October 18, 2009
OSLO – In a brief announcement yesterday God broke his silence on last week’s awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama, calling it outrageous.
The supreme maker of all read from a prepared statement that did not mention the President directly but caustically chastised the Nobel panel.
“For eternity I have waited for the recognition due to me in softening men’s hearts, providing hope to soldiers in foxholes, and sending doves pretty much everywhere,” read the staement.
“But this latest snub has almost exhausted my infinite patience. The Nobel committee must resolve this.”
Spokesangel Michael took questions after God left the room and tried to explain his boss’s position.
“Look his son is the Prince of Peace.Â That makes him the King of Peace.Â But he never gets a peace prize? You do the math.”
Reporters pointed out that many wars both past and current have been fought in God’s name, but Michael pointed out that claiming something is far from making it true.
“Anybody can go out and steal a ham sandwich and claim they do it in God’s name,” answered Michael. “That doesn’t mean God supports stealing pork products.”
Michael stated that God would follow up on his announcement shortly, which he also pointed out could mean a year in God time.Â Insider’s say if there is no forthcoming prize after the next vote there could be Hell to pay.Â Literally.
January 24, 2009
“We want recognition, rights, and we want them now. Probably,” said agnostic minister Pete Handsworn at a rally here Friday night.
Over 50 people gathered in Grant Park to protest what they feel was a Presidential snub.
In his address on Tuesday, President Obama acknowledged Christians, Muslims, Hindus and even, significantly, “those who do not believe”.
“So you throw a bone to the atheists but leave us to fend for ourselves,” said handsworn, “We’re not sure how we feel about that.”
The agnostics would have preferred Obama say “And those who do not believe or are not sure whether they believe or not.”
Signs at the rally expressed the group’s feelings. Placards bore the slogans “We’re here, we’re agnostic, at least for now!” “Obama may have forgotten us!” “Uncertain Rigths!” and “We demand inclusion if possible!”
Although Handsworn tended to speak most for the group, an official leader had not yet been chosen for the movement. “We’re holding off until we get more information about each other,” said one participant who was unsure whether to give her name.
February 19, 2006
(LAS VEGAS) – Penn Jillette, the big guy from Penn and Teller, and host of a FreeFM radio show, has been sent straight to Hell, according to God’s spokesperson the Archangel Michael.
“Mr. Jillette found this hard to believe, but God’s been a fan of his for years,” said Michael. “He noticed that producers often cast Mr. Jillette as Satan.”
Michael explained that while God felt Jillette’s portrayal was certainly inspired, it lacked in depth and accuracy.
“Atheists don’t have the hangups that prevent a truly accurate performance of supernatural beings, but they also lack the impulse to research the parts. God’s such a big fan, he just wanted to lend a hand,” said Michael.
Jillette was woken Saturday morning by the Grim Reaper who ushered him into the realme of darkness for a one-hour meeting with Lucifer and a short tour of Hell.
Unlike most assignments, the Grim Reaper had a return trip after the tour was over, bringing Jillette back to Las Vegas.
“It’s really not that far of a trip,” said Reaper.
Jillette was unphased by the experience.
“It didn’t change any of my non-beliefs but it certainly, most definitely, will help in future parts,” said Jillette. “Plus, Satan, and really a lot of people in hell, what would you call them, Hellions? A lot of Hellions are huge fans of Bulls hit, our show on Showtime.”
God is not bothered by Jillette’s lack of faith, according to Michael.
“Look, that’s just Penn being Penn,” explained Michael. “This was just about helping out a member of the entertainment industry, not about conversion. God’s not always trying to do everything at once. He can if he wants to of course, he just doesn’t want to.”
February 5, 2006
(Heaven) – In his first press conference in months, God spoke out on the recent controversy over a Danish editorial cartoon.
“Far from being offensive, I just don’t think it’s funny,” said the supreme being. “Mohammed’s not oversensitive and he’s not offended.Â But he’s a quiet guy, so I felt I should try to speak out on this on his behalf. The only reason to protest this cartoon is for lack of creativity.Â It’s a blasphemy against humour, not against me or my prophet.”
The cartoon depicted Mohammed with a bomb for a turban.
“I mean what’s that?” said God. “Oh I’m so funny.Â I put a bomb in Mohammed’s turban. Get it?Â He’s a terrorist?Â Get it?Â Yeah, real original.Â Something’s rotten in Denmark, for sure.”
God did not take questions but appealed for a modicum of rationality in response to the cartoon.
“If it makes you feel better to go burn a flag, whatever, but don’t let it get out of hand.Â I mean we don’t see people dying in response to Carrot Top, and he’s not funny either, in my opinion.Â But do I strike him down with my wrath?Â No. Come on people.Â Have some sense of perspective.”
God concluded the conference by announcing he would count the editorial as a sin for cartoonist Kurt Westergaard.Â “It’s not like it’s mortal or anything but man, bad taste is a sin.Â Don’t you agree?”
God declined to conduct the normal question and answer session, and reporters resisted leaving until they got more responses. Press spokesperson Michael stepped in and cleared the room by offering to play some tunes on his trumpet.
October 29, 2005
(HEAVEN) – Lawyers for God have announced they plan a lawsuit against several Christian groups over copyright violation.
Under current copyright law, the unauthorized use of divine inspiration is a violation of the law. The lawyers say they are gathering evidence from several church sermons and will bring a suit once proper jursdiction is determined.
“We could use the judgement of heaven,” said one lawyer, “but aside form the apparent conflict of interest, transporting witnesses is sort of a one-way trip.”
God did not appear at the announcement but his representative, Archangel Michael, read from a prepared statement.
“All this rubbish about what I created and when and what my will is, has gotten far out of hand. I’ve already brought one suit for defamation but the punishment for that is pretty weak. Thankfully copyright law violation brings punishment worse than murder.”
Defendants have not been named but several church leaders have claimed they will not be targeted.
“Whatever helps them sleep at night,” said one lawyer.