April 13, 2006
(WASHINGTON DC) The Secretary of State for the US finished up statements about Iran by thanking them for cooperating.
“We have had Iran on the drawing board for a preemptive strike for quite awhile but couldn’t put together even the flimsiets of excuses. We kept saying, what could be our hostages?” laughed Rice.
“Man, if we’d been Carter we’d have been in there in two seconds. But now with the enrichment of Uranium, we don’t even need an excuse. It writes itself.”
Rice had taken Iran to task for allegedly defying the UN by continuing with a nuclear program. Her remarks were made off the record and immediatelt sealed as part of national security.
Reporters were told if they ‘printed that crap’ they’d be told they were quoting Rice out of context, that she was at best joking, and they would be stripped of their press identification papers.
Reporters who stated there was no such thing as press identification papers were met with a “You wait” from Ms. Rice.
April 11, 2006
(WASHINGTON, DC) – President Bush today admitted that he was modeling his legacy on John F. Kennedy.
“Except for the assasination part. Not that part,” the President said quietly.
In a rare moment of candor while waiting for Air Force One to warm up, the President spoke about his plan to leave an enduring legacy.
“I figure I’ve got it lined up better than old Jack did,” President Bush mused. I’ve got a space program that’s ridiculously ambitious and I won’t be around to finish. I got us involved in a war that we’ll have a devil of a time getting out of. I strated this one though, didn’t let the French do my dirty work like Jack did.”
When pressed about other details like Marilyn Monroe and the Bay of Pigs, the president looked wistful.
“I sure have tried to mess with Cuba, but with no Soviet Union around it just doesn’t have the life it used to. I hope to get there before I’m done though. As for starlets, that’s not my style. And honestly those two things in particular had a lot to do with how Jack ended up. So I’m in no hurry. Didn’t you ever read American Tabloid?”
Press spokespersons for the President hurried to say the President was only joking anad all policies were implemented only after careful consideration of evidence and expert advice.
“I beat ya Jack! I’m the son of the patriarch that outdid his Dad and lived! HA ha ha ha!” yelled the President as he boarded the plane. Press spokespersons said to pay no attention.