December 9, 2011
SANTA MONICA – Researchers think they may have found the strongest cause for teen obesity. Dr. Morgana Phillechang made the announcement from the Santa Monica Laboratory of Research into Teen Behavioral Quality.
Phillechang’s team isolated teens into a control group as well as groups that only watched TV, played video games, surfed the Internet or ate food, for 10 days.
“We were shocked that the group tasked with eating food had 5 times the body mass index increase of the groups who engaged in other sedentary activities,” said Phillechang.
The team’s research will be published int he forthcoming issue of Nature and recommends scrutiny of food regulations for teens.
Congress was quick to respond, with Representative Joh Brenkman calling for legislation to outlaw food for teens. “It is unfathomable that we allow these dangerous substances to be easily available to our children,” Brenkman said in a statement.
The Brenkman bill calls for food to be placed on shelves out of the reach of children, labels stating the dangers of food and will require grocery store employees to record the identity and age of any adult purchasing food.
July 19, 2009
A forthcoming report in Nature claims to show a way to stop the music, thus violating Morali’s law.
A system of lasers cools music in a vacuum to a point where it no longer can actuate foot-tapping or body-movement.
Morali’s law, named after composer Jacques Morali, states simply that ‘you can’t stop the music’. In fact it goes on to postulate the nobody can stop the music.
Critics of the paper say the music is not actually stopped but rather paused.
“If the lasers are removed, it’s shown in this paper that music does continue,” said crtitic Dr. Victor Willis. “I think by definition if the music can continue after a stoppage, at best it can be said to have been paused, not entirely stopped.”
Still, the researchers who created the laser-cooled music-topping apparatus hope to move on to taking cold from snow, as Morali’s Law indicates that is in fact easier than stopping music.
September 11, 2007
(BALTIMORE) – Scientists at the Center for the Study of Labor Dynamics issued a startling report Monday, causing a stir among managers everywhere.
“If you have time to lean,” said Doctor Hillary Silverman, lead author of the report, “it does not necessarily follow that you also have time to clean.”
The report not only proves the old standby of managers everywhere to be false, but also lays out a clear analysis of how much following the adage has cost business over the past 50 years.
“Over $62 billion dollars has been wasted attempting to get employees to clean when they did not have time to do so,” stated Silverman.
The report essentially shows that lean times are limited by a very short interval of moving the body towards a wall and resting on it. The calculated minimal lean time is just under one second.
However cleaning, requires gathering materials, finding the item or area that needs cleaning and making some progress towards actual cleanliness.
“Our report assumed that wiping a cloth over a surface only really counted as cleaning if the surface was no longer dirty after the wiping,” clarified Dr. Silverman.
Minimal clean times could be very short but still calculated at 10 times minimal lean times.
Bert Smugnik, of Smugnik Cleaning Supplies took issue with the report.
“You’re trying to tell me that I should let my employees just stand around? That I’ll make more money if I just let them goof off like a buncha slackers?! Baah! It don’t add up. Eggheads.”
“Look at the wipe limit for chrissakes,” Smugnik pointed out. “They take absolutely no account of whether a surface is less dirty after one wipe. They just throw out the data unless its perfectly clean. I’m sorry but that’s incomplete research.”
Still, some progressive companies like Google Inc. and Halliburton have said they will take the report’s findings to heart and expect to increase earnings as its recommendations are implemented.
August 10, 2006
(PHILADELPHIA) – A recent study of chatroom and instant message behaviour shows rampant lying in the online world.
90 percent of chatters who claimed in acronym they were rolling on the floor laughing were really just sitting quietly at their computer.
“In fact, most weren’t even laughing.Â The majority were merely smirking or chucking at best,” said Norm Nordquist of the Institute for Communication Study.
“We found the same thing with LMAO. Not only were the asses firmly connected to the chatters in question, but again, mirthful behaviour was limited.”
Similar numbers were found for AFK, BRB, and JK.
“Over 50 percent of people who said AFK, stayed at the keyboard. A full 60 percent of those claiming to BRB did not come right back. And worst, we found that over 90 percent of JK typers were in fact not kidding at all, but quite serious.”
The Institute has called for remedial actions before the affects of chat-lying become permanent.
“This sort of behaviour could tear our society apart,” said Nordquist. “If we allow it to continue, we could very well see apathy towards government, cultural illiteracy, and the rise of a community that values celebrities more than their neighbours.Â I shudder at the prospect.”
June 29, 2006
(NEW YORK ) – People who believe there are two kinds of people in this world have another thing coming.
A study by the National Institute for Human Behaviour presented a study today that determines there are actually at least four kinds of people in this world and possibly as many as ten.
The Institute did a blind study of 6,000 men and women of all ages asking them what kind of person they were.
“When we began the data analysis, it initially appeared we had 6,000 kinds of people, as if every person was unique. However we knew that couldn’t be true so we refined our definition of “kind” and narrowed down the categories quite quickly,” said lead resaecrh sociologist Maynard Kremska.
“However we haven’t been able to create a definitive list of categories,” added Kremska. “Our regression analysis shows there can be no less than four and no more than ten. Our best guess is that the upper limit is probably caused by a combination of factors in the basic four.”
The study does not reveal what kinds of people make up the categories.
“We have quantitative proofs of the categories but not scientifically rigorous definitions of what the categories actually are,” said Kremska when questioned. “But you can guess them. Cranky, Idealistic, Shy etc.”
The institue hopes to do further study to nail down category definitions and then label everyone.
“We’re imagining a test, sort of like a blood test. You go into an office and get it done in a few minutes,” said Kremska. “If it comes up cranky, then you can let people know that and they’ll give you more slack. Of course, it might also affect your insurance.”