February 19, 2006
(LAS VEGAS) – Penn Jillette, the big guy from Penn and Teller, and host of a FreeFM radio show, has been sent straight to Hell, according to God’s spokesperson the Archangel Michael.
“Mr. Jillette found this hard to believe, but God’s been a fan of his for years,” said Michael. “He noticed that producers often cast Mr. Jillette as Satan.”
Michael explained that while God felt Jillette’s portrayal was certainly inspired, it lacked in depth and accuracy.
“Atheists don’t have the hangups that prevent a truly accurate performance of supernatural beings, but they also lack the impulse to research the parts. God’s such a big fan, he just wanted to lend a hand,” said Michael.
Jillette was woken Saturday morning by the Grim Reaper who ushered him into the realme of darkness for a one-hour meeting with Lucifer and a short tour of Hell.
Unlike most assignments, the Grim Reaper had a return trip after the tour was over, bringing Jillette back to Las Vegas.
“It’s really not that far of a trip,” said Reaper.
Jillette was unphased by the experience.
“It didn’t change any of my non-beliefs but it certainly, most definitely, will help in future parts,” said Jillette. “Plus, Satan, and really a lot of people in hell, what would you call them, Hellions? A lot of Hellions are huge fans of Bulls hit, our show on Showtime.”
God is not bothered by Jillette’s lack of faith, according to Michael.
“Look, that’s just Penn being Penn,” explained Michael. “This was just about helping out a member of the entertainment industry, not about conversion. God’s not always trying to do everything at once. He can if he wants to of course, he just doesn’t want to.”
February 16, 2006
(BELLEVILLE, IL) – NBC executives showed up with gifts at the house of Doyle File yesterday after learning the construction worker had watched several hours of olympic programming.
“We were just thrilled to hear Mr. File watched and enjoyed our olympics coverage. We’re here to thank him and reward the customer loyalty Mr. File exhibited,” said Dick Ebersol, Chairman, NBC Universal Sports & Olympics.
File, on the other hand, was stunned that he’d even watched the olympics.
“I’d been watching Jeapordy and fell asleep,” said File. “Next thing I know I waked up and some pretty girl is running around an ice rink. I thought it was a half-time show or somthin’ at first. But the remote was way over on the other side of the room. So I watched until my beer ran out.”
Johnny Weir was the only US skater performing the night File watched.
Ebersol also noted that if the US had more patriots like File the world would be a better place.
“Oh I don’t know,” said File when asked if he would continue to watch. “They’ve all been so nice giving me those Friends DVDs and that Cheers shot glass. I’m gonna try. I’m gonna really try.”
NBC paid $613 million for US rights to the winter games.
February 12, 2006
(NEW ORLEANS) – When hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, vampires in the French Quarter were largely spared from the storms ravages. Many of the city’s werewolves were not so lucky. A group of vampires has started an organization to assist werewolves hit hardest by the storm.
“In some ways for vampires it was a nice break,” said one creature of the night. “The crowds were reduced. The city was ours to roam. Of course eating could be problematic, but we got by. I mean we’re immortal for godsakes, so water rationing wasn’t a problem. But werewolves man, they got hit hard.”
Vampires and werewolves are often thought of as natural enemies, a stereotype exploited by movies like Underworld. But vampires say that’s not so.
“Mostly we just leave each other alone. It’s not so much hostility, as professional indifference.”
A large number of werewolves lived in the 9th ward, and hunted near Lake Pontchartrain, two of the hardest hit areas. An estimated 750 werewolves have been displaced, while the number of vampires in the same situation numbers in the teens.
That’s why a group of vampires has started the “Fangs for Friends Foundation” to give assistance to werewolves.
“The relief efforts for humans is sorely lacking already. There’s absolutely nobody taking care of creatures that hunt by night and hide their true nature. So we’re stepping up,” said one vampire.
Some werewolves don’t yet trust the vampires’ offer. A werewolf who wishes to be identified only as Tim has agreed to help bridge the gap between the two groups.
“I’ll admit I was suspicious at first,” said Tim. “But so far the vampires have been great. They’ve provided food and shelter and have even created a hunting preserve with well-stocked wildlife for moonlit nights. I know a lot of werewolves are still resistant to the idea, afraid it’s some kind of trick, but I invite them to talk to me or any werewolf whose particpated. This is exactly what we need to get our community back on its feet.”
Around 100 werewolves have already participated and mostly give the same glowing reviews as Tim. Interested werewolves are encouraged to call New Orleans municipal supernatural information services for more information.
(OUTSIDE NEW YORK) – Vinnie Columbino accidentally boarded the wrong transit vehicle Friday night and ended up outside of New York City, discovering a whole new world.
“I was so worried at first, but after I realised what I’d found, I couldn’t wait to get back to tell my brother Eddie,” said an ecstatic Columbino. “I was so dang dru..tired, that I got on a frickin’ Greyhound bus. I know!Â Only losers ride the bus, but there I was.”
As soon as Columbino realised what was happening, he tried to get the bus to turn around.
“I kinda woke up and looked out the window and realised I wasn’t in Queens. I didn’t know where the hell I was. All I saw were parks everywhere.Â At least I think they were parks.Â I’ve never seen such big parks.Â I mean these things never ended.Â They were at least 30 times the size of Central Park, with these big monster trucks parked in them every so often.”
Columbino got off the bus at the next stop in the city of Bedford.
“I mean you could hardly call it a city.Â It looked like somebody took a slice of Brooklyn and plopped it down int he middle of nowhere.”
Columbino calls the area ‘America,’ and reports that the people there live much like we do, driving cars, watching television, and eating in restaurants.
“But it’s so much less crowded there.Â The natives speak a different language though.Â I tried communicating but they couldn’t understand freakin’ English, man.Â I had to use sign language to figure out how to get back to the city. It’s like they couldn’t understand a thing I said.”
Columbino plans to make preparations for a second voyage to ‘America’. He also hopes to develop trade relations and try to introduce some culture.
“They haveÂ no idea what a Canolli is.Â Or a Reuben.Â I feel a responsibility to civilise them.Â Who knows how many more of them there are outside the known world.”
Columbino’s brother will accompany him, hoping to prove his theory that some places seen on TV shows may in fact be based on secret knowledge places in ‘America.’
February 5, 2006
(Heaven) - In his first press conference in months, God spoke out on the recent controversy over a Danish editorial cartoon.
“Far from being offensive, I just don’t think it’s funny,” said the supreme being. “Mohammed’s not oversensitive and he’s not offended.Â But he’s a quiet guy, so I felt I should try to speak out on this on his behalf. The only reason to protest this cartoon is for lack of creativity.Â It’s a blasphemy against humour, not against me or my prophet.”
The cartoon depicted Mohammed with a bomb for a turban.
“I mean what’s that?” said God. “Oh I’m so funny.Â I put a bomb in Mohammed’s turban. Get it?Â He’s a terrorist?Â Get it?Â Yeah, real original.Â Something’s rotten in Denmark, for sure.”
God did not take questions but appealed for a modicum of rationality in response to the cartoon.
“If it makes you feel better to go burn a flag, whatever, but don’t let it get out of hand.Â I mean we don’t see people dying in response to Carrot Top, and he’s not funny either, in my opinion.Â But do I strike him down with my wrath?Â No. Come on people.Â Have some sense of perspective.”
God concluded the conference by announcing he would count the editorial as a sin for cartoonist Kurt Westergaard.Â “It’s not like it’s mortal or anything but man, bad taste is a sin.Â Don’t you agree?”
God declined to conduct the normal question and answer session, and reporters resisted leaving until they got more responses. Press spokesperson Michael stepped in and cleared the room by offering to play some tunes on his trumpet.