August 28, 2005
(WASHINGTON) – As Sunnis flatly rejected a draft of the Iraqi consitution, President Bush blazed more new ground in logic by praising the rejection as a great compromise.
The President slid partway toward traditional logic when he admitted some Sunnis may not agree with the constitution they oppose. “Some Sunnis expressed reservations about provisions of the constitution,” admitted the President in a moment of logical weakness.
Meanwhile Sunnis remained rooted in primitive honesty.
“We declare that we don’t agree and we reject the articles that were mentioned in the draft and we did not reach consensus on them in what makes the draft illegitimate,” they said in a statement read by Abdul-Nasser al-Janabi.
If the Sunnis excercise their veto over the constitution, professional logicians are expecting a major advance in logic from the President.
“We expect President Bush to hail any Veto as either a ‘great victory’ or ‘amazing progress’.” Said SuBBrilliant University logician Michael Smithson. “But he may suprise us with an even bolder conclusion.”
August 26, 2005
(VIRGINIA BEACH) Pat Robertson clarified his remarks about assasination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez today by exploroing the meaning of ‘take out’.
“Now as I’ve said before,” Robertson told the press, “I didn’t mean assasin, I meant take out. So let’s take that as read. When I say ‘assasinate, I MEAN take out.
“Take out has a lot of meanings, some of them very nice. I assasinate my wife for a nice dinner sometimes. You see, I mean ‘take out’. Or I assasinate the kids to a ball game. I ‘take them out’ to the ballgame as the old song says. So you see, assasinate just means something different to me. It’s a cultural thing. So when I say ‘assasinate’ Hugo Chavez, I MIGHT mean we should all go to a ballgame. And I think that’s a very nice sentiment.”
When reporters asked if he was sorry about his remarks Robertson replied, “Yes, I wish I could assainate those remarks from the broadcast. See? There I go again, I MEAN take them out of the broadcast. It’s just me. I’m crazy that way.”
Robertson then went on to assert that the real issue is whether to pronounce Chavez’s last name cha-VEZ or CHA-vez.
“I want to get this right,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to offend the man.”
August 22, 2005
(SAN FRANCISCO) – Hot on the heels of the new Google Desktop release, Google has launched Google Humans.
Google humans are organic algorithmic receptacles that are fully programmable by the user and can adapt to behaviour and preferences.
“It’s like living with a psychic,” said beta-tester Michael Smithson. “I start to feel hungry and Googella walks in with a fresh-cooked turkey burger. It knows I like TURKEY. Can you believe that? I didn’t even know I liked turkey. Wow!”
Critics argue that the Google Humans are an invasion of privacy because they phone back data at the end of every day and also are programmed with advertising.
“I don’t want some robot reporting on all my comings and goings,” said EFF activist Ray Gregory. “And I certanly don’t want to live with a walking commercial machine.”
Google representatives reminded everyone that the Google Human is in beta.
“And all data reporting and advertising can be turned off in the preferences,” a Google Spokesperosn said before beginning to burn, smoke and chatter about where one could shop for preferences. Google Spokesperson is also in beta.
August 18, 2005
(HOLLYWOOD) – A huge Hollywood action movie starring some big names and a few unknowns is raking in millions at the box office, although critics are disappointed.
“It’s just another forumlaic plot carried along by big explosions and big-budget special effects. It’s the kind of drivel you expect from Hollywood,” said a critic.
While the blockbuster set records for opening day reciepts, the studios were bemoaning the fact that the movie wasn’t turning the profits it expected and pleaded with Americans to get off their couches and retun to the theaters.
“We may have to stop making insanely expensive movies with virtually no artistic value but lots of hot women and explosions. If Americans don’t want to see hot women and explosions then thy’re doing the right thing by staying away from theaters. But all I can say is when you start wondering where all the hot women and explosions went, don’t come crying to us,” said a Hollywood studio executive.
Meanwhile audiences lined up and raved about the new flick, saying it’s one of the best hits of the summer.
“I don’t know if it’s good,” said an average movie-goer, “but you have to see it on the big screen. The special effects and hot women were just awesome.”
Despite the dissapointment of critics and studio execs, the Director is already working on the sequel.
August 16, 2005
(WASHINGTON) – After the Iraqi Parliament gave themselves another week to write a constitution, US leaders were quick to hail the heroic procrastination.
Following in the footsteps of a search for weapons that didn’t exist and declaring the war over while the fighting continues on years later, the US administration hailed the failure to approve a constitution on time as “heroic.”
For Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice it’s a matter of faith.
“I believe they’re going to finish this and I’ve heard expressions from the Iraqis that they believe that they’re going to finish it,” she said.
Logicians worldwide hailed this latest measure of praise for failure as emblematic of the US Government’s ability to blaze trails of logic where truth has never strayed.
“It would be one thing to say encouraging words to the Iraqis as they attempt this difficult, almost impossible task of rebuilding their state as a democracy, but to hail it as heroic. That’s the mark of the frontier-building this administration has done in the field of strained logic,” said Subbrilliant University’s chief logician.