September 15, 2005
(NEW YORK) – Another shocking revelation rocked the White House yesterday as a Reuters photo taken at the United Nations showed President Bush clearly and undeniably requesting a bathroom break.
“Once again the Bush Administration is caught with their pants down,” said Green Party Activist Trey Reynolds. “Or at least requesting that they would like to go into a private room and take their pants down. You can quibble about this but the real question remains why the administration has not come forward with this information about the President before now? Why hide it in surreptitious notes?”
Analysts pointed to the revelation as another blow to the President’s credibility and wondered whether the administration could survive.
“How much more can they take?” said political commentator Al Franklin. “How foolish do they think the American people are?”
White House officials spoke off the record to tell reporters the note was being misinterpreted.
“A ‘bathroom break’ is code for the President getting up and pissing all over the arguments being made,” said an anonymous source. “It’s just the Presidents colorful way of talking. Like when Frank Sinatra used to say it ‘looked like rain’ when he was about to leave a party. Bush is cool like Sinatra.”
Congressional Democrats are calling for an investigation into the note and the reasons the President’s eliminatory situation has not been acknowledged publicly.
“We need to know what happened, when, and how it came out,” said Minority leader Nancy Pelosi.
September 5, 2005
(NEW ORLEANS) – After touring the flooded city of New Orleans today, President Bush spoke to reporters and declared the United States would wage a “war on hurricanes.”
“When the coast of your country is attacked and threatens your people, you can’t excuse it for being a weather system.
“Wherever they hide, wherever they develop, wherever there;s a hint of a tropical depression, we’re gonna smoke ’em out. We will not rest until we’ve hunted down and destroyed every last hurricane on Earth.
“And let me make this clear to the nations of the world. If you harbor a hurricane, then you are a hurricane and we will treat you as such.”
Reporters asked several times how the administration planned to carry out the war on hurricanes.
“We have the finest meteorological fighting force in this country. We will use our satellites, and our radar, and our weather balloons. The hurricanes don’t have a chance,” the President said pointing violently.
President Bush also made clear that this war on hurricanes would not change the nation’s stance on environmental issues.
“I don’t think finger-pointing and pushing the blame off on climate and geography serves any purpose. We need to keep a clear focus on the real perpetrators here. Hurricanes.”
Some wondered why hurricanes were the target of the war rather than the preparations of various governments and agencies.
“Hurricanes are jealous of our freedom,” he responded.
The President also plans to ask Congress for a special budget to fund a department of metorological security.
September 1, 2005
(CAMBRIDGE, MASS.) – Creation scientists who support the theory of ‘intelligent design’ to explain the evolution of species, are being taken to task for failing to build up the discipline of creation astronomy.
“I challenege any scientist to prove that the universe evolved from small condensed point of matter in some sort of big bang,” said SuBBrilliant University special research scientist Phil Ufkrappe. “The theory that the stars were placed in the sky by some sort of intelligent design is not being given a fair voice.”
Cosmologists believe the ‘big bang’ or something like it caused the expansion of matter throughout the universe. That matter eventually cooled and formed stars and planets.
“Their theory is full of holes. They point to the cosmic microwave background radiation as proof, but they can’t explain the irregularities in the field that by their OWN THEORY should be smooth. Children should be exposed to the alternative theory that burning globes of crystal were placed fixedly in the heavens by design, ” said Ufkrappe.
SuBBrilliant scientists are also working on exposing holes in whole fields of medical theory.
“That anyone gets healthy after medical treatment is pure luck. We have accumulated all kinds of evidence to expose the conspiracy being perpetrated upon the populace by the medical industry. No cures are even claimed for such diseases as common as the cold all the way to cancer. Plus by the admission of their OWN RESEARCH, often giving nothing but a pill of sugar is as effective as their so-called ‘medicines. We’re very close to being able to show that sick people get better through some sort of intelligent design,” stated Ufkrappe.
Work to expand the intelligent design theories is expected to expose gravity, photoelectrodynamics, and even meteorology.
“We’re fairly certain that if you can come up with a sound scientific theory that we can show that the phenomenon is just as adequately explained by intelligent design,” said Ufkrappe.