September 25, 2007
(REYKJAVIK) The secret rulers of the world discussed their disappointment at several long-range plans during a regular meeting in Iceland this afternoon.
A spokesperson for the government said many secret leaders are losing patience with plans that once promised to better control society.
“We’ve been flouridating the water for decades now with very little effect. This was supposed to pacify the populous and open them for suggestion. Watch the guests on Fox News for two minutes and you’ll see it’s clearly not working.”
Other plans also were criticized for not producing intended results. The use of mandatory vaccines to make people sick and depopulate the Earth, has had the opposite effect.
“We put out a cover story that small amounts of disease would actually help protect you. We weren’t sure anyone would believe it, but people bought it. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. So we’ve actually hindered disease, and our pharmaceutical members are outraged.”
However the meeting was not all bad news. Some members glowingly reported their continued success at thwarting the development of a clean-burning car that runs on water. The proudest members were the committee for the prevention of the cure for the common cold.
“We look to them as a model of what other teams should be doing. The valuation of that project is almost incalculable.”
A lifetime achievement award was presented in absentia to Senator Dianne Feinstein, for her work in preventing medicines like Sudafed from being sold off store shelves.
“Let’s just say that Ms. Feinstein is not a member of the secret government, but thankfully she has the instinct to act in our best interests. We could never have gotten one of the most effective cold medicines removed from shelves and monitored the way she did. The replacement industry of ineffective cold remedies is booming now because of her. The folks behind Airborne are thrilled. Just thrilled.”
Also honored was Ron Whitson, a special effects pioneer who helped stage much of the moon landing and parts of World War II.
September 11, 2007
(BALTIMORE) – Scientists at the Center for the Study of Labor Dynamics issued a startling report Monday, causing a stir among managers everywhere.
“If you have time to lean,” said Doctor Hillary Silverman, lead author of the report, “it does not necessarily follow that you also have time to clean.”
The report not only proves the old standby of managers everywhere to be false, but also lays out a clear analysis of how much following the adage has cost business over the past 50 years.
“Over $62 billion dollars has been wasted attempting to get employees to clean when they did not have time to do so,” stated Silverman.
The report essentially shows that lean times are limited by a very short interval of moving the body towards a wall and resting on it. The calculated minimal lean time is just under one second.
However cleaning, requires gathering materials, finding the item or area that needs cleaning and making some progress towards actual cleanliness.
“Our report assumed that wiping a cloth over a surface only really counted as cleaning if the surface was no longer dirty after the wiping,” clarified Dr. Silverman.
Minimal clean times could be very short but still calculated at 10 times minimal lean times.
Bert Smugnik, of Smugnik Cleaning Supplies took issue with the report.
“You’re trying to tell me that I should let my employees just stand around? That I’ll make more money if I just let them goof off like a buncha slackers?! Baah! It don’t add up. Eggheads.”
“Look at the wipe limit for chrissakes,” Smugnik pointed out. “They take absolutely no account of whether a surface is less dirty after one wipe. They just throw out the data unless its perfectly clean. I’m sorry but that’s incomplete research.”
Still, some progressive companies like Google Inc. and Halliburton have said they will take the report’s findings to heart and expect to increase earnings as its recommendations are implemented.