February 3, 2006
Pentagon asks for increase in offense budget
(ARLINGTON, VA) – 
Pentagon spokespersons unveiled the latest budget request for US military expenditures, including the largest ever increase in the offense budget.
“Defense spending has been the topic of much discussion for some time,” said a Pentagon spokesperson. “But with the increasing amounts of non-linear strategic entanglements we are forced to engage in, we need to look at our offense budget as well.”
According to military historians, the offense budget was severely slashed along with the renaming of the department of war to the department of defense. The budget has never recovered.
“For years the US pursued a policy of only fighting to defend it’s interests. But with the increase in preemptive actions like Iraq, we can’t continue to borrow from the defense budget for offensive measures,” continued the spokesperson.
Increased offense spending has been criticised roundly by critics who say the best offense is a good defense. But the Pentagon feels that isn’t always true.
“Those critics are paid to criticise things. And while sometimes the best offense is a good defense, you have to remember that good pitching also beats good hitting, sometimes the big bats can prevail. So you wouldn’t not sign any scorers for your hockey team if you want to beat the Lakers now would you?” asked the Pentagon.
Critics said they weren’t sure where to begin and the pentagon responded quickly with, “No more questions.”
February 1, 2006
Tim Kaine puts nation at risk, to sleep
The 
newly elected governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, Timothy Kaine, put the nation in grave danger Tuesday night during his response to the President’s state of the union address.
While hardened analysts were able to discuss the points of Kaine’s speech, most of the nation including police and security forces were put to sleep by the absolue lack of charisma delivered by the Governor.
“The Governor created a rare rehtorical field known as a NeCA or Negative Charismatic Area,” said SuBBrilliant University scientists. “It began by creating a thin linear distribution of reasonable but uncontroversial objections, and then expanded into an event horizon of sleep-inducing lethargy by subtracting charismatic ions from the area surrounding the camera. Oddly televisions amplified the effect. Radio listeners were only put in a slight fugue state, while TV watchers generally nodded off soundly.”
Democrats hoped the southern governor in a Republican state would add emphasis to their parties official retort. Instead most of the country was unaware the Democrats had even spoken.
Republicans roundly criticised the Governor’s speech for putting the country in danger of attack while everyone slumbered.
“I find it not only irresponsible, but suspicious that the Democrats would put such a man in front of national television,” said Republican spokesperson Bill Smith.