June 11, 2008
Vaudeville hit hard by tomato salmonella scare
POUGHKEEPSIE - The tomato salmonella scare has left local playhouses nearly empty. Performers refuse to go on stage with their comic shenanigans and mummery for fear of contracting a deadly disease.
“First there was talkies, then radio, then television and the Internet. Now this? Forget about it!” said Willie Shorbenstein, the Silly Sword Swallower. “It ain’t worth it. I’m not taking that stage! Not at the cost of my life, I’m not!”
The fear preventing these otherwise intrepid performers from braving the lights and greasepaint is the same fear haunting shoppers at produce markets nationwide.
“Even the best performer has an off night sometimes,” explained Orpheum Manager Sheck Gordon. “One tomato thrown in the mouth and boom! You’ve got the Salmon sickness. Er, whatever they call it.”
Some playhouse entrepreneurs are not so forgiving. Dally Maldonado runs “The Opera” and has said he’ll blackball any performer who refuses to take the stage this weekend.
“So what? I’m supposed to believe that the audience is gonna buy a bunch of tainted tomatoes!? These peoples are not so much with the brains around here, maybe, but they ain’t stupid neither. Those tomatoes can kill anyone, audiences and bearded balladeers alike. There ain’t nuttin’ to be afraid of but Bein’ knocked in the noggin by a fresh healthy zuchinni maybe. And if you get that, you deserve it!” he shouted.
Still, only the bravest performers will be risking the onsluaght. Joey “bam-bam” Bambaum is one of them.
“I get slugged in the head with a baseball bat 20 times a night during our sketch,” said Bambaum. “I don’t think a tomato is what’s likely to kill the likes of Joey “bam-bam” Bambaum. You spell bam-bam without capitals. ”
Until tomatoes are cleared of any kind of taint, expect vaudeville to continue to suffer.
December 31, 2007
Outside gets a big boost from writer’s strike
(Hollywood) As the Writer’s Guild Association strike wears on, more than just reality shows are reaping the benefits.
Outside has told reporters that it’s seen a huge boost in interest and expects it to become even greater in the new year.
A spokesperson for outside noted that their 60-year slide in usage may finally turning around.
“Ever since television, and especially color television, we’ve seen steep drops in interest each year,” said the spokesperson. Our partnership with the publishing industry to ‘go outside and read a book’ has largely proved ineffective. This strike is the best news for us since Jack Paar got kicked off the Tonight Show.”
Across the board increases in such categories as “taking a walk”, “leaving the house” and even “sitting on the stoop” have encouraged officials of outside.
But critics say the gains may be short-lived.
Don Rovdak of the American Institute of Scientific Studies believes the benefits may be temporary.
“Not only will the strike not last forever,” said Rovdak, “But things like video games and the World Wide Web aren’t going on strike. These are more likely alternatives for people than Outside.”
Previously top outside officials pinned their hopes on global warming to make going outside more attractive.
September 25, 2007
Secret Government Dissapointed at Conspiracy Efforts
(REYKJAVIK) The secret rulers of the world discussed their disappointment at several long-range plans during a regular meeting in Iceland this afternoon.
A spokesperson for the government said many secret leaders are losing patience with plans that once promised to better control society.
“We’ve been flouridating the water for decades now with very little effect. This was supposed to pacify the populous and open them for suggestion. Watch the guests on Fox News for two minutes and you’ll see it’s clearly not working.”
Other plans also were criticized for not producing intended results. The use of mandatory vaccines to make people sick and depopulate the Earth, has had the opposite effect.
“We put out a cover story that small amounts of disease would actually help protect you. We weren’t sure anyone would believe it, but people bought it. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. So we’ve actually hindered disease, and our pharmaceutical members are outraged.”
However the meeting was not all bad news. Some members glowingly reported their continued success at thwarting the development of a clean-burning car that runs on water. The proudest members were the committee for the prevention of the cure for the common cold.
“We look to them as a model of what other teams should be doing. The valuation of that project is almost incalculable.”
A lifetime achievement award was presented in absentia to Senator Dianne Feinstein, for her work in preventing medicines like Sudafed from being sold off store shelves.
“Let’s just say that Ms. Feinstein is not a member of the secret government, but thankfully she has the instinct to act in our best interests. We could never have gotten one of the most effective cold medicines removed from shelves and monitored the way she did. The replacement industry of ineffective cold remedies is booming now because of her. The folks behind Airborne are thrilled. Just thrilled.”
Also honored was Ron Whitson, a special effects pioneer who helped stage much of the moon landing and parts of World War II.
September 11, 2007
Lean-Clean Theory Debunked
(BALTIMORE) - Scientists at the Center for the Study of Labor Dynamics issued a startling report Monday, causing a stir among managers everywhere.
“If you have time to lean,” said Doctor Hillary Silverman, lead author of the report, “it does not necessarily follow that you also have time to clean.”
The report not only proves the old standby of managers everywhere to be false, but also lays out a clear analysis of how much following the adage has cost business over the past 50 years.
“Over $62 billion dollars has been wasted attempting to get employees to clean when they did not have time to do so,” stated Silverman.
The report essentially shows that lean times are limited by a very short interval of moving the body towards a wall and resting on it. The calculated minimal lean time is just under one second.
However cleaning, requires gathering materials, finding the item or area that needs cleaning and making some progress towards actual cleanliness.
“Our report assumed that wiping a cloth over a surface only really counted as cleaning if the surface was no longer dirty after the wiping,” clarified Dr. Silverman.
Minimal clean times could be very short but still calculated at 10 times minimal lean times.
Bert Smugnik, of Smugnik Cleaning Supplies took issue with the report.
“You’re trying to tell me that I should let my employees just stand around? That I’ll make more money if I just let them goof off like a buncha slackers?! Baah! It don’t add up. Eggheads.”
“Look at the wipe limit for chrissakes,” Smugnik pointed out. “They take absolutely no account of whether a surface is less dirty after one wipe. They just throw out the data unless its perfectly clean. I’m sorry but that’s incomplete research.”
Still, some progressive companies like Google Inc. and Halliburton have said they will take the report’s findings to heart and expect to increase earnings as its recommendations are implemented.
August 21, 2007
Employees lose $6 billion a year to work
(BOSTON) Workers lose billions of dollars a year in lost recreation time to their employers, according to a new study from Reinhart Analysts, published Tuesday.
The Workforce analytic company looked at the phenomenon of working from home, and found employers cost their employees up to US$6 billion.
“People think about work a lot on their off time. And not only think, but make decisions, hatch ideas, scribble notes,” Reinhart chairman Cindy Alpenson told SuBBrilliant News.
“And with the advent of the Internet, now they check email during off time, visit work websites, and Intranet sites and more.”
The Internet has allowed employers to expect responses from email and action on work projects more and more during off-time
Alpenson said her findings were based on a typical worker, earning average holiday time, working a 40-hour week. She then calculated the cost to workers if they spent an hour each day on work instead of relaxing. Work they don’t get paid for
“We got the extraordinary figure of US$6 billion in lost recreational time and work done essentially for free,” she said.
Alpenson said banning work from off-time was not necessarily the best way to combat recreation wasting.
“Employees can balance things out by surfing the Web at work. Watching videos on YouTube, socializing on IM and Facebook,” she said. “If allowed, this actually spreads the work out and makes the worker more productive, and allows ideas to come at more opportune times, rather than being forced into an 8-hour day.”