June 19, 2009
US charged with torturing metaphors
A human rights commission blasted the United States over allegations of torture.
“For over 10 years US officials have twisted, turned, and abused metaphors in ways not humanly possible. It’s time for a reckoning,” read the report’s summary.
President George W. Bush receives the most attention, with 314 counts of malapropism, 735 counts of misstated folk sayings and several thousand tortured metaphors.
But President Obama did not receive a pass, receiving hundreds of counts of his own.
“While President Obama’s soaring rhetoric has received high praise, we cannot overlook his occasional violence to the language,” the report stated.
Obama came under harsh criticism for a particular kind of torture known as hard labor.
“Making anything, including a word, work constantly without rest day and night, is not exempt from the title of torture,” the report mentioned. “Obama’s cruel and unusual use of the word ‘look’ cannot be excused.”
The report was spurred by complaints to the UN by the union of similes who have found themselves also ill-used. Many are out of work.
“We don’t like it,” said a Simile union representative.
June 12, 2009
National Cold Medicine Association protests drug restrictions
In a move to make it easier to buy cold medicines like Sudafed, the National Cold Medicine Association held a protest in front of the offices of Senator Dianne Feinstein today.
Feinstein co-authored the bill that places restrictions and a waiting period on cold medicines that could be used to make methampetamines.
“The NCMA believes it is a violation of our constitutional rights to place any barrier between a God-fearing American and their cold remedies,” said spokesperson Alan Heston. “You can have our pseudophedrine when you pry it from our clammy, feverish, weakened hands!”
Current laws restrict how much medicine containing pseudophedrine can be purchased, and require a government-issued ID be shown in order to make a purchase. Because of these laws, most pharmacies sell these medicines from the same counter where the sell prescriptions, meaning a waiting period behind even sicker people is often necessary.
“Let me get this straight,” said Heston speaking to a crowd of supporters. “In order to punish meth users, I have to wait in line, while I’m sick as a dog from a cold, with a bunch of people who have even worse diseases, that I might catch! How is that punishing the meth user?! Well I’ve got news for you Senator Feinstein, Sudafed doesn’t kill, people who buy Sudafed and cook it with other stuff and make meth and then overdoes on it kills people…..uh, usually themselves.”
Supporters carried placards with slogans like “Snot is not a crime,” “Restrict the Fed, Not the Pseudopheds,” and “I’m sick and I vote!”
The NCMA is dedicated to overturning current restrictions and preventing further laws from being put in place.
“They start when they come for your cold medicine,” said Heston. “Then they come for your aspirins and ibuprofens. And pretty soon you’re in a back alley, risking your life with a drug dealer just to buy some Flinstone vitamins for your kids!”
June 1, 2009
New GM owners announce self-driving vehicle
As General Motors files for bankruptcy, the United States Government will take a 60 percent stake in the automobile manufacturer. The US has not missed a beat announcing the first new model car to arrive after the new ownership takes control.
The On Board Activated Machine (O.B.A.M.) will feature the ability to let a centralized network do the driving while the operator makes minimal decisions, and is allowed the luxury to focus on other activities while driving. It will be marketed under the Chevrolet brand.
“Self-driving machines have been a dream since the dawn of the automobile,” said a government spokesperson. “We harken back to a time when the horse could know the way home with minimal input from you. The Chevy OBAM will take care of all your driving needs for you. We believe this will raise productivity and boost the economy while improving the quality of life for millions.”
The first model, the OBAM A, will come in three government approved colors, red, white, and blue, and feature Bluetooth, in-car Internet, and a front seat DVD player, the first legally available of its kind.
May 18, 2009
Liffr takes social media world by storm
Step aside Twitter, Facebook and MySpace. Liffr, is the latest new hot website to catch the attention of the digerati.
The site seems simple on first visit. A dark black background greets you with one simple space for text and the question “What did your life mean?”
You have 141 characters (one more than Twitter) to sum up your entire life. Rabbi Rafael Lowe explained the startup is meant to give your existence the same boost Twitter gives your lunch.
“People love sharing what they are doing on somethign like Twitter,” said Rabbi Lowe. “So think of the amazing love they’ll generate distilling their whole life. It will engage them in a kind of introspection that can only lead to revelation. Plus we have a business model. Selling ads to Life Insurance and estate planning companies.”
some have criticized Liffr for not being useful more than once. They say it lacks so-called ’stickiness.’
But Rabbi Lowe disputes this. “Your life changes from moment to moment.” Liffr may only list one post from you, but unlike other social media services, it lets you change that post as your life evolves. Some of our users keep redefining their life every few minutes. That’s wonderful!”
Liffr also includes a history of revisions, similar to Google Docs, so people can look back on changes they’ve made.
“With Liffr, you CAN go back and relive parts of your life. It’s transcendent. And for a small fee we’ll even let you revert to previous versions. Micropayments are hot right now.
Celebrities have already started using Liffr, the most famous so far being Johnny Depp who’s Liffr post simply reads “pain.”
April 12, 2009
GM announces hybrid car with horse
General Motors announced the new Chevy Caballo Hybrid with ‘ComesWith Horse’ technology at the New York Auto Show this week.
The Caballo includes a fairly beefy V-6 engine paired with a natural gas engine. But the big selling point is the included space for a horse.
“Our new Equus module allows you to add horsepower. Literally,” said GM spokesperson Pat Mitchell.
The module makes it possible to put a horse inside the car to provide drive train power and fuel.
“Because all four hooves of the horse leave the ground at the same time, it’s not efficient to use it as direct propulsion. So the horse is placed on a treadmill that creates energy for the drive train,” said Mitchell.
“The Equus module does take up cabin space, but we make up for that with the entertainment and green value it provides,” Mitchell added.
The module sits in the rear part of the SUV-like cabin and fully encloses the horse except for roof ventilation slots. Passengers can look through windows in he side of the module to see the horse in action. Feeding drawers allow them to give the horse snacks like sugar lumps and hay. GM calls all this the entertainment value.
The green value comes from the fact that any waste created by the horse is collected and reclaimed as fuel for the natural gas engine.
GM expects the vehicle to be very popular in the horsebelt of the United States.
“We see this as combining the best of old and new,” said Mitchell. “Eventually we hope to sell add-on modules, even trailers that allow you to add as much horsepower as you like.”