SuBBrilliant News

April 30, 2018

President Tweets in complete sentence using appropriate punctuation and capitalization

by Acedtect

WASHINGTON – The President shocked Washington pundits and news analysts Sunday by tweeting a complete sentence that did not use all caps and followed norms of punctuation.

The Tweet rocked the Sunday news shows causing one host to wonder if the President is still fit to post on Twitter.

The post itself said, “We have to remember as Americans that we all want improvement in the general welfare.”

The lack of all cap slogans or snide remarks or insults generated hours of commentary as pundits read the tea leaves to figure out what the President was really saying.

The White House issued a statement saying the President stands behind his post.

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August 20, 2017

Thinking About Your Mom Will Cost America Almost $700 Million in Lost Productivity

by Acedtect

Add thinking about your mother to the list of worker distractions that cost U.S. companies hundreds of millions of dollars in lost productivity.

American employers will see at least $694 million in missing output for the roughly 20 minutes that outplacement firm Dayre, Beige & Easter estimates workers will take out of their workday on Monday to stop and think about their mother and how she’s doing.

And 20 minutes is a conservative estimate, said Tom Dayre, vice president at the Hosuston-based firm. Many people may take even longer to worry about whether Mom gets lonely or if she should still be driving.

“There’s very few people who are not going to think about their mother. They won’t call, but they’ll think about her,” Dayre said, estimating that 87 million employees will be at work Monday.

To get the overall figure of nearly $700 million, Dayre multiplied that by the Bureau of Labor Statistics’ latest estimate for average hourly wages for all workers 16 and over. Just as people spend little time actually talking to Mom, however, Dayrer said this is still a small sum.

“Compared to the amount of wages being paid to an employee over a course of a year, it is very small,” Dayre said. “It’s not going to show up in any type of macroeconomic data.”

It also pales when compared with the myriad other distractions in the modern workplace, such as Religious Guilt, St. Patrick’s Day, and the Solar Eclipse.

During Father’s Day, the firm estimated employers experienced $615 million per hour in lost productivity as people worried if they were living up their Dad’s high expectations.

St. Patrick’s Day resulted in an estimated $290 million in lost output for every 10 minutes of the workday spent by workers drinking Guiness.

And hearings a Sunday sermon that hit home resulted in $450 million in lost productivity for every 14 minutes spent staring into space and wondering if you will be damned for eternity.

Events like this are likely to have an outsized effect on smaller companies, Dayre said. When their workers are absent, small firms may not have sufficient coverage from coworkers, especially in the current tight labor market where it is hard to find skilled workers.

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July 14, 2017

Australian Law Guarantees Australian Sports Victories

by Acedtect

CANBERRA – Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull announced a proposed law that will make it illegal for any number to be greater than the total amount of points scored by an Australian national sports team in any one game.

As an example, Prime Minister Turnbull noted that under the proposed law, the number 19 would be considered greater than the number 24 in regards to the June Scotland-Australia rugby test, granting the Wallabies the victory.

Some reporters asked if this didn’t run counter to the laws of simple mathematics.

Turnbull replied, “The laws of mathematics are very commendable but the only laws that apply in Australia is the law of Australia.”

The proposal will be introduced in parliament when it reconvenes in August.

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June 26, 2017

Australia wants microphone companies to record terrorists’ conversations

by Acedtect

OTTAWA – This week Canada, the UK, Australia, the US and New Zealand — aka the “Five Eyes” countries — meet in Ottawa. Yesterday, Australia announced it wants to push for microphone companies to give governments more access to people’s conversations.

The battle between governments and microphone companies for access to private conversations isn’t new. Terrorists can use private conversations, away from microphones, to communicate without fear of government eavesdropping. Microphone companies are often caught between a need to protect their user base’s privacy — by not recording everything everywhere— and helping to thwart terrorism. Meanwhile, governments have criticized these companies for allowing terrorists to operate out of earshot mostly unchecked.

While it’s unlikely that concrete policy changes will happen immediately, it’s noteworthy that Australia is making it a priority. “These discussions will focus on the need to cooperate with microphone providers to ensure reasonable assistance is provided to law enforcement and security agencies,” said Australian Attorney General Senator Brandeis.

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April 28, 2017

United Airlines to Appear to Improve Customer Service

by Acedtect

SAN FRANCISCO – United Airlines announced new customer-friendly policies to help improve the experiences of its passengers after some controversy over its treatment of a doctor asked to leave a flight.

Among the improvements are:

– Limiting use of police for beatings
– Raising the percentage of customers allowed on to flights they have paid for.
– Increase hush money for mistreated passengers
– Establish team to provide creative solutions, like viewing a Blu-ray of your destination istead of traveling there!
– Insure all flights have pilots.
– Train employees
– Use robots to “volunteer” people for removal from flights.
– Only sell 20% more seats than a plane has.
– Adopt a “no questions asked” policy on lost luggage. (United will pretend you never asked where your luggage is)
– Announce delays are the result of “acts of god” rather than pretending there is no delay.
– Institute a “no-sneering policy” when answering customer questions.

United says it remains committed to giving its most frequent customers the best possible service no matter what it means. But the airline is till willing to appear to try to care about people in coach.

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