January 20, 2010
SEC and DoJ to recommend breaking up Ryan Seacrest
(WASHINGTON, DC) After a 6-month investigative process, officials at the SEC and the Department of Justice are expected to announce today their decision to recommend breaking up the Ryan Seacrest monopoly. A leak of the document shows the DoJ will claim that Seacrest, “has formed an anticompetitive cabal that threatens to corner the market of beloved host spots, leaving no room for free market competition.”
The investigation began last summer, when several up-and-coming TV hosts joined together to petition the government to break up the Seacrest monopoly.
Their statement then read, “From Standard Oil, to AT&T, to today Seacrest, monopolies have tried to stand in the way of American freedom. we call on the trust-busters in our government to stop the latest threat to our way of life.”
The investigation will reveal a staggering amount of consolidation according to one insider.
“When Seacrest consolidated his position as host of American Idol, many people just praised his success. Then he took on Dick Clark’s spot on New Year’s Eve. Then Casey Casem’s chair on American Top 40, and Rick Dees morning show on LA radio. That’s when the pattern began to emerge. Now he has moved into red carpet territory. There’s no sign of stopping.”
The most recent and most damning evidence the investigation considered, was Seacrest’s moves into guest hosting and co-hosting Larry King Live.
“Should Larry King and Dick Clark die, our country would be left under the iron grip of Ryan Seacrest. Only late night television would be spared. And with the state of that industry where it is, I can’t believe it will be long before Seacrest makes his move there too.”
The report will recommend breaking up the television personality into three separate Ryan Seacrests. One for radio, one for TV, and one for special events.
“If we are to continue to build a resource of sparkling male presenters for the future, the Seacrest monopoly must end and it must end now,” said our insider.
November 20, 2009
Economy ‘not our fault’ say banks
An association of world banks announced today that not only is the economy recovering well but the recent economic turmoil was not their fault at all.
A statement from the banks pointed out that banks are full of money, rich people are buying clothing at Sak’s and sports cars are hot sellers.
When questioned about the rising number of jobless, Stephen Jones, a bank representative reassured the public that they would get jobs soon. “If not this year then soon. With all these new sports cars and Sak’s dresses we’ll need someone to keep them clean!” he quipped.
More significantly the banks stressed that they were not the cause of the economic downturn in the first place. Their statement pointed out that it was a credit crisis not a deposit crisis.
“This means that people couldn’t *borrow* money. Banks had lots of money. And if you had money you could continue to deposit it. It was only grifters and leeches who were demanding too much credit. And like all sycophants, eventually their own selfishness brought doom down upon them. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out most of the jobless were people who at some time wanted credit,” explained Jones.
Banks say they’re not against trying to help the world out of the recession, and have decided to work hard to make even more money.
“The more money we make the more money there is in the world,” said Jones. “And isn’t a better economy defined by more money? There. We win.”
October 18, 2009
God pissed at Nobel Committee
OSLO – In a brief announcement yesterday God broke his silence on last week’s awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama, calling it outrageous.
The supreme maker of all read from a prepared statement that did not mention the President directly but caustically chastised the Nobel panel.
“For eternity I have waited for the recognition due to me in softening men’s hearts, providing hope to soldiers in foxholes, and sending doves pretty much everywhere,” read the staement.
“But this latest snub has almost exhausted my infinite patience. The Nobel committee must resolve this.”
Spokesangel Michael took questions after God left the room and tried to explain his boss’s position.
“Look his son is the Prince of Peace. That makes him the King of Peace. But he never gets a peace prize? You do the math.”
Reporters pointed out that many wars both past and current have been fought in God’s name, but Michael pointed out that claiming something is far from making it true.
“Anybody can go out and steal a ham sandwich and claim they do it in God’s name,” answered Michael. “That doesn’t mean God supports stealing pork products.”
Michael stated that God would follow up on his announcement shortly, which he also pointed out could mean a year in God time. Insider’s say if there is no forthcoming prize after the next vote there could be Hell to pay. Literally.
July 19, 2009
Scientists break Morali’s law, stop music
A forthcoming report in Nature claims to show a way to stop the music, thus violating Morali’s law.
A system of lasers cools music in a vacuum to a point where it no longer can actuate foot-tapping or body-movement.
Morali’s law, named after composer Jacques Morali, states simply that ‘you can’t stop the music’. In fact it goes on to postulate the nobody can stop the music.
Critics of the paper say the music is not actually stopped but rather paused.
“If the lasers are removed, it’s shown in this paper that music does continue,” said crtitic Dr. Victor Willis. “I think by definition if the music can continue after a stoppage, at best it can be said to have been paused, not entirely stopped.”
Still, the researchers who created the laser-cooled music-topping apparatus hope to move on to taking cold from snow, as Morali’s Law indicates that is in fact easier than stopping music.
June 19, 2009
US charged with torturing metaphors
A human rights commission blasted the United States over allegations of torture.
“For over 10 years US officials have twisted, turned, and abused metaphors in ways not humanly possible. It’s time for a reckoning,” read the report’s summary.
President George W. Bush receives the most attention, with 314 counts of malapropism, 735 counts of misstated folk sayings and several thousand tortured metaphors.
But President Obama did not receive a pass, receiving hundreds of counts of his own.
“While President Obama’s soaring rhetoric has received high praise, we cannot overlook his occasional violence to the language,” the report stated.
Obama came under harsh criticism for a particular kind of torture known as hard labor.
“Making anything, including a word, work constantly without rest day and night, is not exempt from the title of torture,” the report mentioned. “Obama’s cruel and unusual use of the word ‘look’ cannot be excused.”
The report was spurred by complaints to the UN by the union of similes who have found themselves also ill-used. Many are out of work.
“We don’t like it,” said a Simile union representative.