SuBBrilliant News

September 10, 2011

Labor laws dragging down economy

by Acedtect

WASHINGTON – Business leaders criticized the President’s jobs speech for not addressing the huge negative effect of current labor laws.

“How can we be expected to create jobs when a large part of the labor market has been declared off limits by the government?!” said one CEO.

A coalition of companies are pressuring the administration to repeal what they feel are antiquated anti-business laws regarding age limits.

“The impedance to innovation is unconscionable,” reads the coalition statement. “We could be doing so much with miniaturization, micro-assembly, and other areas that require specialized skills. However the era of big government declares that because of an accident of birth, those best suited to these jobs be denied their opportunities.”

The group calls for the end of the Fair Labor Standards Act enacted in 1934.

“This product of Roosevelt’s flirtation with socialism is keeping us in recession,” said one particularly angry CFO. “We don’t want to put children in coal mines. We want to give all people, regardless of age, the chance to contribute to the building of America!”

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January 26, 2011

87% of Burkina Faso can’t find Burkina Faso on a map

by Acedtect

(Ouagadougou) A recent study of resident of Burkina Faso can’t find their own country on a map.

“We win,” said a local livestock farmer. “Take that dumb Americans.”

A large percentage of the country cannot read, so many of them had trouble even reading the survey questions.

“I think most of them just participated in the survey for the free Milky Way mini-bites,” remarked a Sorghum merchant.

The results were also likely influenced by the current existent of the Mossi Kingdom and its court in the Burkina capital.

“What’s Burkina Faso?” asked a woman when interviewed. “Long live Mogho Naba.”

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September 16, 2010

Company predicts rival won’t do very well

by Acedtect

SemiGigaCorp Chief Executve Bart Karol said he thinks rival OmniMegaCorp’s control over the marketplace will drive customers away, causing OMC to “fall apart.”

Karol spoke with SBN about the direction his company is taking, as SGC looks to increase its revenue from its primary business. In the interview, Karol took the opportunity to comment on OMC’s newly launched service, which debuted in July. The SGC CEO predicted that its rival will fail because customers won’t like its stuff very much.

“That’s going to fall apart for them,” Karol said of OMC. “Customers don’t like the way they’re going to do that. We do it so much better.”

Karol’s comments likely stem from comments made by customer in August. Early customers of OMC’s new service complained that it wasn’t perfect. However some early adopters indicated that despite not being perfect, the new service was pretty good.

Karol thinks other companies shouldn’t listen to that and just try his stuff first/ “Why risk it not being very good, when our company needs your business?” he added.

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September 9, 2010

Furniture makers ask Congress to crack down on piracy

by Acedtect

NEW YORK – The Furniture Producers Association of America (FPAA) asked Congress today to pass tougher legislation against used furniture sales.

The FPAA showed that the furniture industry lost $1.9 billion last year to unauthorised resale of furniture.

“A designer of a chair receives no royalty or residual on a used sale,” an FPPA spokesperson told reporters. “How is that designer supposed to feed his or her family? What’s the motivation to continue to make comfortable beautiful seating? We need to act now before the furniture industry is ruined.”

An explosion in used sales powered by Internet sites like Craigslist and eBay is blamed for the damage to the furniture industry. In the past 10 months, Ikea has already slashed 5,000 jobs globally after sales dropped 7% below budget. The industry has started to consider ways to deactivate furniture after first sale.

FPAA chief executive Larry Cosmo put it bluntly “We hope people understand that when furniture is bought used we get cheated,” he added. “I don’t think anyone wants that so in order for us to make strong, high-quality furniture we need protections from both within the industry and without.”

Lobbyists have asked Congress to make it illegal to give furniture to unlicensed third parties without permission. Permission would be required whether the furniture is being sold or just given away.

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August 12, 2010

Secret government gridlocked over economy

by Acedtect

REYKJAVIK – The secret world government closed another plenary session without a resolution over what to do with the world economy. Officials would not comment as they can’t acknowledge that a secret world government exists int he first place.

Hans Al-Jaha, who has no knowledge of any kind of secret world government told reporters, “If in theory there was a secret world government who had planned a recession and now could not resolve the best way to transition out of it, then I would guess, although this is pure speculation, that we would see more mixed economic indicators for quite awhile. But the notion of a secret world government is preposterous.”

Al-Jaha was then whisked away in an unmarked black sedan that transformed into a helicopter shortly thereafter.

Sources familiar with the debate deny that any debate exists but speculate that if in some hypothetical universe it did, the conflict would be over whether recovery would be staggered or even.

“One group would advocate an even recovery to smooth out some of the economic inequities that had been exacerbated by the previous boom,” said one delegate who refused to acknowledge that he was talking to us or even that he existed at all. “The other group believes the best way to balance the economy is to allow China, Brazil, and other previously difficult economies, to lead the way out. That group had been winning the debate until the last few months. Of course this is all hogwash and you’re imagining me anyway.”

The delegate then disappeared into an alley and could not be found.

The next round of secret government talks won’t take place in Jakarta, Indonesia, and definitely not begin on August 18 as there is no such thing as a secret world government.

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