SuBBrilliant News

June 23, 2010

Dogs push for cat leash laws

by Acedtect

BERKELEY – A coalition of dog rights groups has proposed a mandatory leash law for cats after an alleged Manx attack put a 41-year-old woman in the hospital.

“Leash laws for dogs have been in place for decades while cats are allowed to roam dangerously free,” read the coalition’s statement. “This policy has been a time-bomb that has unfortunately, and tragically gone off. We call for parity in the treatment of domestic animals.”

The new law targets cats but would require any domestic animal to be treated under a universal law regardless of species. That would mean leashes for cats and homeowner’s associations allowed to restrict more aggressive breeds like Siamese.

“I support it wholeheartedly,” said Berkeley resident Juanita Simon. “I am not a speciesist. We need equal protection for all animals.”

However cat organizations have been taken off guard and feel the Manx attack has been exaggerated. The Feline Freedom Foundation hastily issued a response saying, “the so-called Manx attack was nothing more than a slight scratch after a poorly-delivered head scratch. While the woman was hospitalized, the reasons were to treat a broken bone suffered after the attack occurred, not as a direct result of the scratch.”

Still the dog coalition stresses that we must not wait for a more serious event before we act.

Filed under at 10:25 pm
Add a comment »

April 1, 2010

‘Lost’ creators admit they have no idea how to end series

by Acedtect

Executive producers Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse broke down in tears on their Official Lost podcast yesterday, admitting to the fans that they have no idea how to wrap up the mysteries of the island or any of the characters on the hit ABC show.

“We’ve been making it all up as we go along,” bemoaned Cuse. “There was never a plan. There were never even writers. We made up those guys too and hired out-of-work actors to play them.”

Lindeloff then described how J. J. Abrams had fed them the initial mysteries of the pilot and told them not to worry about wrapping up the show or answering any mysteries. “He thought we’d get canceled after a few years anyway and we could just blame ABC for the lingering questions.”

When that didn’t happen, Cuse and Lindeloff lobbied ABC to agree to a limit to the seasons.

“We knew we couldn’t pull this off forever,” said Cuse. “We figured setting a deadline would force us to come up with answers.”

“But it’s not working,” said Lindeloff. “We’ve started writing the final episode and so far all we’ve done is invent 5 new characters and create a new device called orthogonal flashes. We’re in panic mode.”

Some fans have suggested crowdsourcing the idea.

“They could just pick some of the more plausible workable theories form Lostpedia,” said jjsonick on a fan discussion forum. “It’d make about as much sense as what they’ve done so far.”

Filed under at 6:51 pm
Add a comment »

February 9, 2010

Man accused of thinking for himself

by Acedtect

OKLAHOMA CITY – 40-year-old Justin Mann, a dairy worker from Tuttle, Oklahoma has been accused of thinking for himself and not neatly falling into a stereotype.

Friends report that Tuttle began acting odd when he espoused what they considered socialist viewpoints.

“Well he said he was pretty sure Obama was a citizen first-off. I mean where’s the proof,” said an anonymous neighbor. “Then went off all half-cocked saying he thinks there is some pretty good evidence for climate change, even if he isn’t 100% sure yet. Well didn’t that just take the cake! He’s a nutball. I won’t have anything to do with him.”

Initially local Democrats rallied to his side, but were soon confronted with disappointment.

“At first we were like, right on Justin! But then he said some things in questionable taste,” said Judy Smith.

Mann had told some of the Democrats trying to get him involved in party activities that he believed the government was mishandling health care reform.

“Well that put us off, “said Smith. “No need to be a hater. But if that wasn’t enough, he didn’t think the government should help people pay off bad mortgages. Heartless! Plus he says we have to lower taxes to encourage high-achievers. Well that’s just nonsense. He’s obviously not a thinker.”

Now Mann says he is left with no friends or allies.

“Turns out thinking for yourself is not all it’s cracked up to be. I was much happier when I just blindly followed whatever reasoning was given out on radio and TV. I think I’ll go back to that,” said Mann. “I just hope the Communist Party has room for me. They seem to be the best at this sort of thing.”

Filed under at 5:02 pm
Add a comment »

January 20, 2010

SEC and DoJ to recommend breaking up Ryan Seacrest

by Acedtect

Ryan Seacrest(WASHINGTON, DC) After a 6-month investigative process, officials at the SEC and the Department of Justice are expected to announce today their decision to recommend breaking up the Ryan Seacrest monopoly. A leak of the document shows the DoJ will claim that Seacrest, “has formed an anticompetitive cabal that threatens to corner the market of beloved host spots, leaving no room for free market competition.”

The investigation began last summer, when several up-and-coming TV hosts joined together to petition the government to break up the Seacrest monopoly.

Their statement then read, “From Standard Oil, to AT&T, to today Seacrest, monopolies have tried to stand in the way of American freedom. we call on the trust-busters in our government to stop the latest threat to our way of life.”

The investigation will reveal a staggering amount of consolidation according to one insider.

“When Seacrest consolidated his position as host of American Idol, many people just praised his success.  Then he took on Dick Clark’s spot on New Year’s Eve.  Then Casey Casem’s chair on American Top 40, and Rick Dees morning show on LA radio. That’s when the pattern began to emerge. Now he has moved into red carpet territory. There’s no sign of stopping.”

The most recent and most damning evidence the investigation considered, was Seacrest’s moves into guest hosting and co-hosting Larry King Live.

“Should Larry King and Dick Clark die, our country would be left under the iron grip of Ryan Seacrest.  Only late night television would be spared.  And with the state of that industry where it is, I can’t believe it will be long before Seacrest makes his move there too.”

The report will recommend breaking up the television personality into three separate Ryan Seacrests.  One for radio, one for TV, and one for special events.

“If we are to continue to build a resource of sparkling male presenters for the future, the Seacrest monopoly must end and it must end now,” said our insider.

Filed under at 5:59 pm
1 comment »

November 20, 2009

Economy ‘not our fault’ say banks

by Acedtect

An association of world banks announced today that not only is the economy recovering well but the recent economic turmoil was not their fault at all.

A statement from the banks pointed out that banks are full of money, rich people are buying clothing at Sak’s and sports cars are hot sellers.

When questioned about the rising number of jobless, Stephen Jones, a bank representative reassured the public that they would get jobs soon.  “If not this year then soon. With all these new sports cars and Sak’s dresses we’ll need someone to keep them clean!” he quipped.

More significantly the banks stressed that they were not the cause of the economic downturn in the first place. Their statement pointed out that it was a credit crisis not a deposit crisis.

“This means that people couldn’t *borrow* money.  Banks had lots of money.  And if you had money you could continue to deposit it.  It was only grifters and leeches who were demanding too much credit.  And like all sycophants, eventually their own selfishness brought doom down upon them.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out most of the jobless were people who at some time wanted credit,” explained Jones.

Banks say they’re not against trying to help the world out of the recession, and have decided to work hard to make even more money.

“The more money we make the more money there is in the world,” said Jones. “And isn’t a better economy defined by more money? There.  We win.”

Filed under at 5:33 pm
Add a comment »