August 16, 2005
World Praises Heroic Failure
(WASHINGTON) – After the Iraqi Parliament gave themselves another week to write a constitution, US leaders were quick to hail the heroic procrastination.
Following in the footsteps of a search for weapons that didn’t exist and declaring the war over while the fighting continues on years later, the US administration hailed the failure to approve a constitution on time as “heroic.”
For Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice it’s a matter of faith.
“I believe they’re going to finish this and I’ve heard expressions from the Iraqis that they believe that they’re going to finish it,” she said.
Logicians worldwide hailed this latest measure of praise for failure as emblematic of the US Government’s ability to blaze trails of logic where truth has never strayed.
“It would be one thing to say encouraging words to the Iraqis as they attempt this difficult, almost impossible task of rebuilding their state as a democracy, but to hail it as heroic. That’s the mark of the frontier-building this administration has done in the field of strained logic,” said Subbrilliant University’s chief logician.
August 14, 2005
Worst Pilot in Air Force Dies, Iraq Safer
(Washington, DC) Iraqi Air Force Capt. Ali Hussam Abass Alrubaeye, already notorious for being the worst pilot in Iraq, is now officially recognized as the most efficient killer of American soldiers in the war, an honor which ironically grants his unidentifiable remains the right to a military funeral at Arlington National Cemetery.
Abass, despite earning the dubious distinction of single-handedly inflicting more US casualties in a single action than any other Iraqi, is not, however, considered an enemy combatant.
“He was just a lousy pilot, is all,” said Col. Dwight D. Arbegast, at the Pentagon. “Listen, these Iraqi Air Force Pilots aren’t going to become Chuck Yeager overnight. Hell, we killed the ones that were any good fifteen years ago.”
Abass and four US servicemen died when their four-seat turboprop plane crashed while on a routine reconnaissance mission in May. The cause of the crash is still under investigation, but is not suspected to have been the result of enemy fire.
“We’re pretty sure Abass crashed that plane on his own,” claims Col. Arbegast. “So that’s five casualties we get to put on our list, instead of the enemy’s. I call that a victory.”
While there is currently no military decoration awarded for the act of denying the enemy casualties, The Department of State recognized Abass’s achievement by granting his unidentifiable remains burial at Arlington, alongside the men he is credited with having killed.
Yet the situation could be further complicated as more details of the accident are uncovered.
“There’s a chance that the aircraft itself may be responsible,” according to Dr. Henry Weismuller, a civilian aeronautic crash analyst employed as a consultant for the fledgling Iraqi Air Force. “The Comp Air 7 SL is a piece of crap, technically speaking. I mean, they build those things in the Czech Republic for crying out loud.”
According to sources inside the Pentagon, should Weismuller find the aircraft to have been at fault, it will be declared a weapon of mass destruction and destroyed lest it fall into enemy hands. There is no word as to what may happen to Abbas’s remains, should that be the case.
August 11, 2005
Terrorists Jealous of Babes, Money, not Freedom
(AMARILLO, TX) – In a rare interview with western media, a group of terrorists explained that they are not jealous of our freedom, as President Bush is fond of saying.
“Babes and money. That’s what we’re angry about,” said John Al-Smith. “Freedom? Not so much. You all have a lot less freedom than you think. No, it’s the chicks and the dough. Our culture accumulates all wealth in the rulers, while hiding women far away. While you have much accumulated wealth in the top 1% here, you still can afford to shop at things like “The Container Store” to hold all your stuff. And you have a thriving business in “Storage” for even the poorest of people to keep their many possesions. We have large deserts and absolutely NO Container Stores. Why wouldn’t we be jealous?”
Smith’s statements were seconded by his body guard Jeffha Br’own.
“You people sit around basking in your plastic organizers, your porcelain figurines and your seemingly endless amounts off goo-gaws and doo-dads while every souvenir made by our brothers and sisters is wrenched from our hands and taken from our country. Everything in my mother’s house is useful. Everything! We are tired of you hoarding your vast treasure of greeting cards and amusing coffee table books. We spit on your special gift items. Sweet AND salty snacks, whenever you want? It is an abomination.”
Smith and Br’own said they have no love for the great Satan of America and are tired of being misunderstood.
“Your President Bush comes from Texas, one of the great homes of gift items. Yet he continues to say we are jealous of your freedom. Your hummels, not your heritage is the true reason for our anger,” clarified Smith.
Br’own and Smith left the press conference to attempt to eat a 72 ounce steak dinner in under an hour and get it free.
“We hope to undermine your economy through these ridiculous offers,” said Smith.
August 9, 2005
Iraq Offensive Out of Gas
Embedded with the 1138th Armored Brigade, somewhere near the Syrian Border.
(IRAQ) – Somewhere near the Syrian border (the military prohibits revealing detailed, geographical information over the Internet), this latest in a serious of retaliatory offensive strikes against the terrorist incursion of Western Iraq has run out of gas.
The soldiers on the ground, who have taken to calling this most recent assault “Operation 34°32’18.85″N, 41° 9’0.78″E ” remain cheerful, however, and optimistic that the situation will turn around.
“We’re in high spirits,” says Major N. Cunvienants, of the Army’s 1138th Armored Brigade. “This job is gonna get done sooner or later. Looks like later now. How later remains to be seen. I could make a guess, but that would be a classified guess, and I couldn’t share it with you.”
Logistical difficulties have plagued the military’s occupation of Iraq since the early days of the war, when enthusiastic commanders could be overheard telling their troops to “Forget about the water. Bring more bullets.” This advice proved imprudent as it became clear that supply trucks were unable to travel as quickly as retreating Iraqi soldiers.
The Army’s 1138th, however, has had a particularly difficult time of it. Often advancing far beyond the scope of the American public’s ability to care.
“Yeah, we tend to go off the map a lot,” says Major Cunvienants. “I mean some days even I wonder what the hell I’m doing out here. Then I see this gun in my hand and this map with these arrows and I remember that I’ve got a mission to do, and I aim to do it.”
When asked exactly what this mission might entail, the commander of the Army’s Western-most battle unit was unable to speculate on the record, saying only that “It will make the world a better place.”
Meanwhile, the vehicles under his command are not moving and his men, seeing no one at whom to shoot at present, doodle in the sand or listen to their iPods. Officials at the Pentagon claim that logistical support of the 1138th is “Definitely on our radar,” and cheerfully point out the brigade’s remarkable death toll to date, which currently stands at just under four thousand terrorists killed or left for dead.