August 11, 2005
Terrorists Jealous of Babes, Money, not Freedom
(AMARILLO, TX) – In a rare interview with western media, a group of terrorists explained that they are not jealous of our freedom, as President Bush is fond of saying.
“Babes and money. That’s what we’re angry about,” said John Al-Smith. “Freedom? Not so much. You all have a lot less freedom than you think. No, it’s the chicks and the dough. Our culture accumulates all wealth in the rulers, while hiding women far away. While you have much accumulated wealth in the top 1% here, you still can afford to shop at things like “The Container Store” to hold all your stuff. And you have a thriving business in “Storage” for even the poorest of people to keep their many possesions. We have large deserts and absolutely NO Container Stores. Why wouldn’t we be jealous?”
Smith’s statements were seconded by his body guard Jeffha Br’own.
“You people sit around basking in your plastic organizers, your porcelain figurines and your seemingly endless amounts off goo-gaws and doo-dads while every souvenir made by our brothers and sisters is wrenched from our hands and taken from our country. Everything in my mother’s house is useful. Everything! We are tired of you hoarding your vast treasure of greeting cards and amusing coffee table books. We spit on your special gift items. Sweet AND salty snacks, whenever you want? It is an abomination.”
Smith and Br’own said they have no love for the great Satan of America and are tired of being misunderstood.
“Your President Bush comes from Texas, one of the great homes of gift items. Yet he continues to say we are jealous of your freedom. Your hummels, not your heritage is the true reason for our anger,” clarified Smith.
Br’own and Smith left the press conference to attempt to eat a 72 ounce steak dinner in under an hour and get it free.
“We hope to undermine your economy through these ridiculous offers,” said Smith.