August 26, 2005
Pat Robertson Clarifies Further
(VIRGINIA BEACH) Pat Robertson clarified his remarks about assasination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez today by exploroing the meaning of ‘take out’.
“Now as I’ve said before,” Robertson told the press, “I didn’t mean assasin, I meant take out. So let’s take that as read. When I say ‘assasinate, I MEAN take out.
“Take out has a lot of meanings, some of them very nice. I assasinate my wife for a nice dinner sometimes. You see, I mean ‘take out’. Or I assasinate the kids to a ball game. I ‘take them out’ to the ballgame as the old song says. So you see, assasinate just means something different to me. It’s a cultural thing. So when I say ‘assasinate’ Hugo Chavez, I MIGHT mean we should all go to a ballgame. And I think that’s a very nice sentiment.”
When reporters asked if he was sorry about his remarks Robertson replied, “Yes, I wish I could assainate those remarks from the broadcast. See? There I go again, I MEAN take them out of the broadcast. It’s just me. I’m crazy that way.”
Robertson then went on to assert that the real issue is whether to pronounce Chavez’s last name cha-VEZ or CHA-vez.
“I want to get this right,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to offend the man.”
August 11, 2005
Terrorists Jealous of Babes, Money, not Freedom
(AMARILLO, TX) – In a rare interview with western media, a group of terrorists explained that they are not jealous of our freedom, as President Bush is fond of saying.
“Babes and money. That’s what we’re angry about,” said John Al-Smith. “Freedom? Not so much. You all have a lot less freedom than you think. No, it’s the chicks and the dough. Our culture accumulates all wealth in the rulers, while hiding women far away. While you have much accumulated wealth in the top 1% here, you still can afford to shop at things like “The Container Store” to hold all your stuff. And you have a thriving business in “Storage” for even the poorest of people to keep their many possesions. We have large deserts and absolutely NO Container Stores. Why wouldn’t we be jealous?”
Smith’s statements were seconded by his body guard Jeffha Br’own.
“You people sit around basking in your plastic organizers, your porcelain figurines and your seemingly endless amounts off goo-gaws and doo-dads while every souvenir made by our brothers and sisters is wrenched from our hands and taken from our country. Everything in my mother’s house is useful. Everything! We are tired of you hoarding your vast treasure of greeting cards and amusing coffee table books. We spit on your special gift items. Sweet AND salty snacks, whenever you want? It is an abomination.”
Smith and Br’own said they have no love for the great Satan of America and are tired of being misunderstood.
“Your President Bush comes from Texas, one of the great homes of gift items. Yet he continues to say we are jealous of your freedom. Your hummels, not your heritage is the true reason for our anger,” clarified Smith.
Br’own and Smith left the press conference to attempt to eat a 72 ounce steak dinner in under an hour and get it free.
“We hope to undermine your economy through these ridiculous offers,” said Smith.