SuBBrilliant News

August 9, 2005

Iraq Offensive Out of Gas

by Rusputin

Embedded with the 1138th Armored Brigade, somewhere near the Syrian Border.

(IRAQ) – Somewhere near the Syrian border (the military prohibits revealing detailed, geographical information over the Internet), this latest in a serious of retaliatory offensive strikes against the terrorist incursion of Western Iraq has run out of gas.

The soldiers on the ground, who have taken to calling this most recent assault “Operation 34°32’18.85″N, 41° 9’0.78″E ” remain cheerful, however, and optimistic that the situation will turn around.

“We’re in high spirits,” says Major N. Cunvienants, of the Army’s 1138th Armored Brigade. “This job is gonna get done sooner or later. Looks like later now. How later remains to be seen. I could make a guess, but that would be a classified guess, and I couldn’t share it with you.”

Logistical difficulties have plagued the military’s occupation of Iraq since the early days of the war, when enthusiastic commanders could be overheard telling their troops to “Forget about the water. Bring more bullets.” This advice proved imprudent as it became clear that supply trucks were unable to travel as quickly as retreating Iraqi soldiers.

The Army’s 1138th, however, has had a particularly difficult time of it. Often advancing far beyond the scope of the American public’s ability to care.

“Yeah, we tend to go off the map a lot,” says Major Cunvienants. “I mean some days even I wonder what the hell I’m doing out here. Then I see this gun in my hand and this map with these arrows and I remember that I’ve got a mission to do, and I aim to do it.”

When asked exactly what this mission might entail, the commander of the Army’s Western-most battle unit was unable to speculate on the record, saying only that “It will make the world a better place.”

Meanwhile, the vehicles under his command are not moving and his men, seeing no one at whom to shoot at present, doodle in the sand or listen to their iPods. Officials at the Pentagon claim that logistical support of the 1138th is “Definitely on our radar,” and cheerfully point out the brigade’s remarkable death toll to date, which currently stands at just under four thousand terrorists killed or left for dead.

Filed under at 9:47 pm
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Microsoft Buys Apple

by Acedtect

(REDMOND, WA) – In a move that puzzled Wall Street and sent shares tumbling, technology company Microsoft purchased a 3 oz. Red Delicious apple at a Seattle-area supermarket and declared they are discontinuing the iPod.

Reporters were met with glares when asked how buying a piece of fruit gives them the power to shut down another company’s product line.

“It’s a metaphor!” shouted Steve Ballmer while dancing like a monkey.

Press spokesperson Shandra Bates read from a statement declaring that Microsoft had perfected a translational verbiage actuator and through it’s new Microsoft WordPlay Engenerator, had turned what seemed to be the simple act of grabbing fresh fruit into a hostile takeover.

Apple’s Steve Jobs replied that Microsoft had yet to understand the true nature of metaphorical constructs and would only bring further degradation on themselves. He then leaned over and slowly crushed a roach between his thumb and forefinger while mouthing the word “gooey”.

“You see?” he stated.

Filed under at 3:03 am
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