June 27, 2006
Analogy epidemic worsens
(WASHINGTON, DC) – 
Doctors at the National Research Hospital of the Americas announced startling new numbers in the growing epidemic of analogies.
“We’ve seen an overall 32 percent increase in general analogies, with a staggering 57 percent increase in weak analogies and an overwhelming 172 percent increase in Bulk Analogy Deficient (BAD) analogies,” said chief researcher Dr. Amalgam Hoffstadder.
“It would be like if the sea suddenly was filled with turtles and… damn. Excuse me.”
The paper attributes the steep rise to an increasingly complex world.
“Our studies show that as knowledge becomes more specialized, public discussions become more difficult and more frequently fall back on analogy to make points clear. It would be as if you were a caveman and you suddenly met an astronaut… damn.”
The startling rise in BAD analogies seems to come from increasingly desperate rhetorical techniques from proponents of ideological extremism.
“If you have a fundamentalist Christian arguing with a card-toting Communist they’re going to resort to extreme analogies to make them feel they’re winning. That was not an analogy just there. It wasn’t,” said Dr. Hoffstader.
Experts believe we will only see the problem grow as there is currently no incentive to curb analogy usage.
“It would be as if you filled an inner tube with snakes and then threw it off the Empire State Building aiming for a thimble full of whiskey. Oh I give up,” finished Hoffstader.
Some researchers also believe the analogies may be caused by a virus.