September 15, 2005
President Discovered to Have Bladder
(NEW YORK) – Another shocking revelation rocked the White House yesterday as a Reuters photo taken at the United Nations showed President Bush clearly and undeniably requesting a bathroom break.
“Once again the Bush Administration is caught with their pants down,” said Green Party Activist Trey Reynolds. “Or at least requesting that they would like to go into a private room and take their pants down. You can quibble about this but the real question remains why the administration has not come forward with this information about the President before now? Why hide it in surreptitious notes?”
Analysts pointed to the revelation as another blow to the President’s credibility and wondered whether the administration could survive.
“How much more can they take?” said political commentator Al Franklin. “How foolish do they think the American people are?”
White House officials spoke off the record to tell reporters the note was being misinterpreted.
“A ‘bathroom break’ is code for the President getting up and pissing all over the arguments being made,” said an anonymous source. “It’s just the Presidents colorful way of talking. Like when Frank Sinatra used to say it ‘looked like rain’ when he was about to leave a party. Bush is cool like Sinatra.”
Congressional Democrats are calling for an investigation into the note and the reasons the President’s eliminatory situation has not been acknowledged publicly.
“We need to know what happened, when, and how it came out,” said Minority leader Nancy Pelosi.
September 5, 2005
Bush Declares ‘War on Hurricanes’
(NEW ORLEANS) – After touring the flooded city of New Orleans today, President Bush spoke to reporters and declared the United States would wage a “war on hurricanes.”
“When the coast of your country is attacked and threatens your people, you can’t excuse it for being a weather system.
“Wherever they hide, wherever they develop, wherever there;s a hint of a tropical depression, we’re gonna smoke ’em out. We will not rest until we’ve hunted down and destroyed every last hurricane on Earth.
“And let me make this clear to the nations of the world. If you harbor a hurricane, then you are a hurricane and we will treat you as such.”
Reporters asked several times how the administration planned to carry out the war on hurricanes.
“We have the finest meteorological fighting force in this country. We will use our satellites, and our radar, and our weather balloons. The hurricanes don’t have a chance,” the President said pointing violently.
President Bush also made clear that this war on hurricanes would not change the nation’s stance on environmental issues.
“I don’t think finger-pointing and pushing the blame off on climate and geography serves any purpose. We need to keep a clear focus on the real perpetrators here. Hurricanes.”
Some wondered why hurricanes were the target of the war rather than the preparations of various governments and agencies.
“Hurricanes are jealous of our freedom,” he responded.
The President also plans to ask Congress for a special budget to fund a department of metorological security.
August 26, 2005
Pat Robertson Clarifies Further
(VIRGINIA BEACH) Pat Robertson clarified his remarks about assasination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez today by exploroing the meaning of ‘take out’.
“Now as I’ve said before,” Robertson told the press, “I didn’t mean assasin, I meant take out. So let’s take that as read. When I say ‘assasinate, I MEAN take out.
“Take out has a lot of meanings, some of them very nice. I assasinate my wife for a nice dinner sometimes. You see, I mean ‘take out’. Or I assasinate the kids to a ball game. I ‘take them out’ to the ballgame as the old song says. So you see, assasinate just means something different to me. It’s a cultural thing. So when I say ‘assasinate’ Hugo Chavez, I MIGHT mean we should all go to a ballgame. And I think that’s a very nice sentiment.”
When reporters asked if he was sorry about his remarks Robertson replied, “Yes, I wish I could assainate those remarks from the broadcast. See? There I go again, I MEAN take them out of the broadcast. It’s just me. I’m crazy that way.”
Robertson then went on to assert that the real issue is whether to pronounce Chavez’s last name cha-VEZ or CHA-vez.
“I want to get this right,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to offend the man.”
August 16, 2005
World Praises Heroic Failure
(WASHINGTON) – After the Iraqi Parliament gave themselves another week to write a constitution, US leaders were quick to hail the heroic procrastination.
Following in the footsteps of a search for weapons that didn’t exist and declaring the war over while the fighting continues on years later, the US administration hailed the failure to approve a constitution on time as “heroic.”
For Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice it’s a matter of faith.
“I believe they’re going to finish this and I’ve heard expressions from the Iraqis that they believe that they’re going to finish it,” she said.
Logicians worldwide hailed this latest measure of praise for failure as emblematic of the US Government’s ability to blaze trails of logic where truth has never strayed.
“It would be one thing to say encouraging words to the Iraqis as they attempt this difficult, almost impossible task of rebuilding their state as a democracy, but to hail it as heroic. That’s the mark of the frontier-building this administration has done in the field of strained logic,” said Subbrilliant University’s chief logician.
August 14, 2005
Worst Pilot in Air Force Dies, Iraq Safer
(Washington, DC) Iraqi Air Force Capt. Ali Hussam Abass Alrubaeye, already notorious for being the worst pilot in Iraq, is now officially recognized as the most efficient killer of American soldiers in the war, an honor which ironically grants his unidentifiable remains the right to a military funeral at Arlington National Cemetery.
Abass, despite earning the dubious distinction of single-handedly inflicting more US casualties in a single action than any other Iraqi, is not, however, considered an enemy combatant.
“He was just a lousy pilot, is all,” said Col. Dwight D. Arbegast, at the Pentagon. “Listen, these Iraqi Air Force Pilots aren’t going to become Chuck Yeager overnight. Hell, we killed the ones that were any good fifteen years ago.”
Abass and four US servicemen died when their four-seat turboprop plane crashed while on a routine reconnaissance mission in May. The cause of the crash is still under investigation, but is not suspected to have been the result of enemy fire.
“We’re pretty sure Abass crashed that plane on his own,” claims Col. Arbegast. “So that’s five casualties we get to put on our list, instead of the enemy’s. I call that a victory.”
While there is currently no military decoration awarded for the act of denying the enemy casualties, The Department of State recognized Abass’s achievement by granting his unidentifiable remains burial at Arlington, alongside the men he is credited with having killed.
Yet the situation could be further complicated as more details of the accident are uncovered.
“There’s a chance that the aircraft itself may be responsible,” according to Dr. Henry Weismuller, a civilian aeronautic crash analyst employed as a consultant for the fledgling Iraqi Air Force. “The Comp Air 7 SL is a piece of crap, technically speaking. I mean, they build those things in the Czech Republic for crying out loud.”
According to sources inside the Pentagon, should Weismuller find the aircraft to have been at fault, it will be declared a weapon of mass destruction and destroyed lest it fall into enemy hands. There is no word as to what may happen to Abbas’s remains, should that be the case.