SuBBrilliant News

November 20, 2009

Economy ‘not our fault’ say banks

by Acedtect

An association of world banks announced today that not only is the economy recovering well but the recent economic turmoil was not their fault at all.

A statement from the banks pointed out that banks are full of money, rich people are buying clothing at Sak’s and sports cars are hot sellers.

When questioned about the rising number of jobless, Stephen Jones, a bank representative reassured the public that they would get jobs soon.  “If not this year then soon. With all these new sports cars and Sak’s dresses we’ll need someone to keep them clean!” he quipped.

More significantly the banks stressed that they were not the cause of the economic downturn in the first place. Their statement pointed out that it was a credit crisis not a deposit crisis.

“This means that people couldn’t *borrow* money.  Banks had lots of money.  And if you had money you could continue to deposit it.  It was only grifters and leeches who were demanding too much credit.  And like all sycophants, eventually their own selfishness brought doom down upon them.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out most of the jobless were people who at some time wanted credit,” explained Jones.

Banks say they’re not against trying to help the world out of the recession, and have decided to work hard to make even more money.

“The more money we make the more money there is in the world,” said Jones. “And isn’t a better economy defined by more money? There.  We win.”

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June 1, 2009

New GM owners announce self-driving vehicle

by Acedtect

As General Motors files for bankruptcy, the United States Government will take a 60 percent stake in the automobile manufacturer. The US has not missed a beat announcing the first new model car to arrive after the new ownership takes control.

The On Board Activated Machine (O.B.A.M.) will feature the ability to let a centralized network do the driving while the operator makes minimal decisions, and is allowed the luxury to focus on other activities while driving. It will be marketed under the Chevrolet brand.

“Self-driving machines have been a dream since the dawn of the automobile,” said a government spokesperson. “We harken back to a time when the horse could know the way home with minimal input from you. The Chevy OBAM will take care of all your driving needs for you. We believe this will raise productivity and boost the economy while improving the quality of life for millions.”

The first model, the OBAM A, will come in three government approved colors, red, white, and blue, and feature Bluetooth, in-car Internet, and a front seat DVD player, the first legally available of its kind.

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April 4, 2009

Vampires threaten to strike for darker working conditions

by Acedtect

A vampireThe Union of caulkers, bagmakers, vampires and hedge fund manager assistants (UCBVHFMA) called for a general strike of all vampires if darker working conditions are not met.

Organisers have been negotiating with several large businesses that employ significant numbers of vampires, but the talks broke down Friday.

“Our members work in buildings with excessive light that is damaging and sometimes fatal,” said organiser Vladimir Hudson.  “They are left to either attempt odd hours that conflict with co-workers schedules, or burden themselves with large coverings and dark cube nets.”

The UCBVHFMA wants special entrances from underground tunnels, protected hallways away from large windows and certain floors or work areas with standardised gloom-lighting.

Companies like IBM, Citigroup and Pillsbury all would face large workforce outages if the strike is held. That’s an economic issue many of them don’t want to face.  But meeting the demands is also costly.

“It’s not that we aren’t sympathetic,” said a management negotiator. “But tunnels are expensive as is tinted glass. In these troubled times, the best we can offer is company-issued parasols and flex scheduling.”

That’s not good enough according to the union and the vampires have approved a strike deadline for next Wednesday if an agreement is not reached.

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March 5, 2009

World Government reconsiders recession

by Acedtect

The world government has determined the recession is not such a good idea after all and fear it may have gotten out of control.

A secret world government spokesperson said the recession was meant to teach Republicans a lesson by costing them the election in the United States. But plans for the economy to rebound in the early part of 2009 have failed to materialize.

Secret economists have tried several methods of restarting the economy, including slightly pressing the gass while turning the key, putting the economy in neutral while getting out and pushing and then jumping in and trying to start it, as well as dynamite.

Experts believe that once the economy has warmed up a bit, it should restart just fine in the spring.

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July 17, 2008

Fan demands popular show stop talking about popular things

by Acedtect

LOS ANGELES – Alex Smith of West Covina loves his favorite news talk show, except when they talk about news.

“First it was the primary election.  They just wouldn’t shut up about it.  Then the housing market.  Now they’re back on the election again.  And they never let go of the economy.”

Alex has started a protest group to stop the show from conitnuing to talk about the most popular topics of the day.

“There’s more going on out there than just elections and economy. Why not talk about bond issues? Or what about traffic problems?”

some analysts point out that the topics Alex proposes may be considered boring by the show’s other listeners, but that hasn’t deterred the protest from going forward.

“I’ sick of hearing about gas prices.  If they talk about gas prices one more time, I’m going to drop them for good. And I’ll keep checking to make sure they haven’t stopped!”

Meanwhile the show’s hosts say they can’t talk about things that aren’t news, and won’t talk about things the majority fo the audience isn’t interested in.

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