September 11, 2007
Lean-Clean Theory Debunked
(BALTIMORE) – Scientists at the Center for the Study of Labor Dynamics issued a startling report Monday, causing a stir among managers everywhere.
“If you have time to lean,” said Doctor Hillary Silverman, lead author of the report, “it does not necessarily follow that you also have time to clean.”
The report not only proves the old standby of managers everywhere to be false, but also lays out a clear analysis of how much following the adage has cost business over the past 50 years.
“Over $62 billion dollars has been wasted attempting to get employees to clean when they did not have time to do so,” stated Silverman.
The report essentially shows that lean times are limited by a very short interval of moving the body towards a wall and resting on it. The calculated minimal lean time is just under one second.
However cleaning, requires gathering materials, finding the item or area that needs cleaning and making some progress towards actual cleanliness.
“Our report assumed that wiping a cloth over a surface only really counted as cleaning if the surface was no longer dirty after the wiping,” clarified Dr. Silverman.
Minimal clean times could be very short but still calculated at 10 times minimal lean times.
Bert Smugnik, of Smugnik Cleaning Supplies took issue with the report.
“You’re trying to tell me that I should let my employees just stand around? That I’ll make more money if I just let them goof off like a buncha slackers?! Baah! It don’t add up. Eggheads.”
“Look at the wipe limit for chrissakes,” Smugnik pointed out. “They take absolutely no account of whether a surface is less dirty after one wipe. They just throw out the data unless its perfectly clean. I’m sorry but that’s incomplete research.”
Still, some progressive companies like Google Inc. and Halliburton have said they will take the report’s findings to heart and expect to increase earnings as its recommendations are implemented.
August 21, 2007
Employees lose $6 billion a year to work
(BOSTON) Workers lose billions of dollars a year in lost recreation time to their employers, according to a new study from Reinhart Analysts, published Tuesday.
The Workforce analytic company looked at the phenomenon of working from home, and found employers cost their employees up to US$6 billion.
“People think about work a lot on their off time. And not only think, but make decisions, hatch ideas, scribble notes,” Reinhart chairman Cindy Alpenson told SuBBrilliant News.
“And with the advent of the Internet, now they check email during off time, visit work websites, and Intranet sites and more.”
The Internet has allowed employers to expect responses from email and action on work projects more and more during off-time
Alpenson said her findings were based on a typical worker, earning average holiday time, working a 40-hour week. She then calculated the cost to workers if they spent an hour each day on work instead of relaxing. Work they don’t get paid for
“We got the extraordinary figure of US$6 billion in lost recreational time and work done essentially for free,” she said.
Alpenson said banning work from off-time was not necessarily the best way to combat recreation wasting.
“Employees can balance things out by surfing the Web at work. Watching videos on YouTube, socializing on IM and Facebook,” she said. “If allowed, this actually spreads the work out and makes the worker more productive, and allows ideas to come at more opportune times, rather than being forced into an 8-hour day.”
May 24, 2007
Letter E’s protest Web 2.0 Sites
“Unfair to Vowels” read one sign. “We’re not all silent!” read another. Silicon valley saw its first protest against websites conducted exclusively by a letter of the Roman alphabet.
Several letter E’s, who claim they’re out of work but a new fad in naming companies, have banded together to demand fair treatment and proper spelling.
“It’s a great time to be a G,” said one disgruntled vowel. “But let me tell the G’s of the world something. We were your friends, and now you’re digging our graves.”
Sites like Flickr lead the trend of dropping the letter e from a company name, making it easier to find a domain name.
“Twitter didn’t seem to have any problem finding a domain name that could put some of us to work,” said the E.
The letter E, often referred to as the most common letter in the English language has long had a close relationship with technology. Many standards are set by IEEE, which employs the most E’s of any sector of technology.
But the landscape has changed with the onset of Web 2.0 companies looking for a hip name.
“There’s a special place in hell for these sites right next Georges Perec,” said one particularly vocal E. In the meantime, the vowels will continue to petition silicon valley business to put E before everything.
August 9, 2005
Microsoft Buys Apple
(REDMOND, WA) – In a move that puzzled Wall Street and sent shares tumbling, technology company Microsoft purchased a 3 oz. Red Delicious apple at a Seattle-area supermarket and declared they are discontinuing the iPod.
Reporters were met with glares when asked how buying a piece of fruit gives them the power to shut down another company’s product line.
“It’s a metaphor!” shouted Steve Ballmer while dancing like a monkey.
Press spokesperson Shandra Bates read from a statement declaring that Microsoft had perfected a translational verbiage actuator and through it’s new Microsoft WordPlay Engenerator, had turned what seemed to be the simple act of grabbing fresh fruit into a hostile takeover.
Apple’s Steve Jobs replied that Microsoft had yet to understand the true nature of metaphorical constructs and would only bring further degradation on themselves. He then leaned over and slowly crushed a roach between his thumb and forefinger while mouthing the word “gooey”.
“You see?” he stated.