February 9, 2010
Man accused of thinking for himself
OKLAHOMA CITY – 40-year-old Justin Mann, a dairy worker from Tuttle, Oklahoma has been accused of thinking for himself and not neatly falling into a stereotype.
Friends report that Tuttle began acting odd when he espoused what they considered socialist viewpoints.
“Well he said he was pretty sure Obama was a citizen first-off. I mean where’s the proof,” said an anonymous neighbor. “Then went off all half-cocked saying he thinks there is some pretty good evidence for climate change, even if he isn’t 100% sure yet. Well didn’t that just take the cake! He’s a nutball. I won’t have anything to do with him.”
Initially local Democrats rallied to his side, but were soon confronted with disappointment.
“At first we were like, right on Justin! But then he said some things in questionable taste,” said Judy Smith.
Mann had told some of the Democrats trying to get him involved in party activities that he believed the government was mishandling health care reform.
“Well that put us off, “said Smith. “No need to be a hater. But if that wasn’t enough, he didn’t think the government should help people pay off bad mortgages. Heartless! Plus he says we have to lower taxes to encourage high-achievers. Well that’s just nonsense. He’s obviously not a thinker.”
Now Mann says he is left with no friends or allies.
“Turns out thinking for yourself is not all it’s cracked up to be. I was much happier when I just blindly followed whatever reasoning was given out on radio and TV. I think I’ll go back to that,” said Mann. “I just hope the Communist Party has room for me. They seem to be the best at this sort of thing.”
October 18, 2009
God pissed at Nobel Committee
OSLO – In a brief announcement yesterday God broke his silence on last week’s awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama, calling it outrageous.
The supreme maker of all read from a prepared statement that did not mention the President directly but caustically chastised the Nobel panel.
“For eternity I have waited for the recognition due to me in softening men’s hearts, providing hope to soldiers in foxholes, and sending doves pretty much everywhere,” read the staement.
“But this latest snub has almost exhausted my infinite patience. The Nobel committee must resolve this.”
Spokesangel Michael took questions after God left the room and tried to explain his boss’s position.
“Look his son is the Prince of Peace. That makes him the King of Peace. But he never gets a peace prize? You do the math.”
Reporters pointed out that many wars both past and current have been fought in God’s name, but Michael pointed out that claiming something is far from making it true.
“Anybody can go out and steal a ham sandwich and claim they do it in God’s name,” answered Michael. “That doesn’t mean God supports stealing pork products.”
Michael stated that God would follow up on his announcement shortly, which he also pointed out could mean a year in God time. Insider’s say if there is no forthcoming prize after the next vote there could be Hell to pay. Literally.
June 19, 2009
US charged with torturing metaphors
A human rights commission blasted the United States over allegations of torture.
“For over 10 years US officials have twisted, turned, and abused metaphors in ways not humanly possible. It’s time for a reckoning,” read the report’s summary.
President George W. Bush receives the most attention, with 314 counts of malapropism, 735 counts of misstated folk sayings and several thousand tortured metaphors.
But President Obama did not receive a pass, receiving hundreds of counts of his own.
“While President Obama’s soaring rhetoric has received high praise, we cannot overlook his occasional violence to the language,” the report stated.
Obama came under harsh criticism for a particular kind of torture known as hard labor.
“Making anything, including a word, work constantly without rest day and night, is not exempt from the title of torture,” the report mentioned. “Obama’s cruel and unusual use of the word ‘look’ cannot be excused.”
The report was spurred by complaints to the UN by the union of similes who have found themselves also ill-used. Many are out of work.
“We don’t like it,” said a Simile union representative.
June 12, 2009
National Cold Medicine Association protests drug restrictions
In a move to make it easier to buy cold medicines like Sudafed, the National Cold Medicine Association held a protest in front of the offices of Senator Dianne Feinstein today.
Feinstein co-authored the bill that places restrictions and a waiting period on cold medicines that could be used to make methampetamines.
“The NCMA believes it is a violation of our constitutional rights to place any barrier between a God-fearing American and their cold remedies,” said spokesperson Alan Heston. “You can have our pseudophedrine when you pry it from our clammy, feverish, weakened hands!”
Current laws restrict how much medicine containing pseudophedrine can be purchased, and require a government-issued ID be shown in order to make a purchase. Because of these laws, most pharmacies sell these medicines from the same counter where the sell prescriptions, meaning a waiting period behind even sicker people is often necessary.
“Let me get this straight,” said Heston speaking to a crowd of supporters. “In order to punish meth users, I have to wait in line, while I’m sick as a dog from a cold, with a bunch of people who have even worse diseases, that I might catch! How is that punishing the meth user?! Well I’ve got news for you Senator Feinstein, Sudafed doesn’t kill, people who buy Sudafed and cook it with other stuff and make meth and then overdoes on it kills people…..uh, usually themselves.”
Supporters carried placards with slogans like “Snot is not a crime,” “Restrict the Fed, Not the Pseudopheds,” and “I’m sick and I vote!”
The NCMA is dedicated to overturning current restrictions and preventing further laws from being put in place.
“They start when they come for your cold medicine,” said Heston. “Then they come for your aspirins and ibuprofens. And pretty soon you’re in a back alley, risking your life with a drug dealer just to buy some Flinstone vitamins for your kids!”
June 1, 2009
New GM owners announce self-driving vehicle
As General Motors files for bankruptcy, the United States Government will take a 60 percent stake in the automobile manufacturer. The US has not missed a beat announcing the first new model car to arrive after the new ownership takes control.
The On Board Activated Machine (O.B.A.M.) will feature the ability to let a centralized network do the driving while the operator makes minimal decisions, and is allowed the luxury to focus on other activities while driving. It will be marketed under the Chevrolet brand.
“Self-driving machines have been a dream since the dawn of the automobile,” said a government spokesperson. “We harken back to a time when the horse could know the way home with minimal input from you. The Chevy OBAM will take care of all your driving needs for you. We believe this will raise productivity and boost the economy while improving the quality of life for millions.”
The first model, the OBAM A, will come in three government approved colors, red, white, and blue, and feature Bluetooth, in-car Internet, and a front seat DVD player, the first legally available of its kind.