SuBBrilliant News

March 5, 2009

World Government reconsiders recession

by Acedtect

The world government has determined the recession is not such a good idea after all and fear it may have gotten out of control.

A secret world government spokesperson said the recession was meant to teach Republicans a lesson by costing them the election in the United States. But plans for the economy to rebound in the early part of 2009 have failed to materialize.

Secret economists have tried several methods of restarting the economy, including slightly pressing the gass while turning the key, putting the economy in neutral while getting out and pushing and then jumping in and trying to start it, as well as dynamite.

Experts believe that once the economy has warmed up a bit, it should restart just fine in the spring.

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January 24, 2009

Agnostics possibly angry about Obama snub

by Acedtect

CHICAGO – While moderates, Christians, Hindus, and even atheists reveled in the inclusive nature of President Obama’s inaugural address, one group feels left out in the cold.

“We want recognition, rights, and we want them now. Probably,” said agnostic minister Pete Handsworn at a rally here Friday night.

Over 50 people gathered in Grant Park to protest what they feel was a Presidential snub.

In his address on Tuesday, President Obama acknowledged Christians, Muslims, Hindus and even, significantly, “those who do not believe”.

“So you throw a bone to the atheists but leave us to fend for ourselves,” said handsworn, “We’re not sure how we feel about that.”

The agnostics would have preferred Obama say “And those who do not believe or are not sure whether they believe or not.”

Signs at the rally expressed the group’s feelings. Placards bore the slogans “We’re here, we’re agnostic, at least for now!” “Obama may have forgotten us!” “Uncertain Rigths!” and “We demand inclusion if possible!”

Although Handsworn tended to speak most for the group, an official leader had not yet been chosen for the movement. “We’re holding off until we get more information about each other,” said one participant who was unsure whether to give her name.

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October 7, 2008

Presidential Candidate linked to radical ties

by Acedtect

(WASHINGTON) – Accusations flew fast and furious today over accusations that a leading presidential candidate had radical ties.Piano Tie

“These pictures are solid proof that this man is not ready to lead this country. The evidence is before your eyes,” said a senior campaign spokesperson.

On display at the press conference were graphic photos of polka dot ties, light-up ties, a piano tie, and even a tie with a three-dimensional realistic hamburger protruding from it.

“In an era of crisis,” stated the spokesperson, “we cannot afford to allow our country to be distracted by novelty items such as these.”

An immediate rebuttal was issued claiming the ties in question were only given to the candidate as gifts and were never worn.

“Rather than rudely return the items, or worse, re-gift them, these ties were respectfully stored at the bottom of a closet where they belong. We see no impropriety here and disclosed these ties at the beginning of our campaign,” read the statement. “We call on our opponent to fully disclose all his ties, and let the American people judge.”

Most voters say they don’t care about what ties candidates may have had in the past, but rather whether their current appearance is genuine.

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September 25, 2007

Secret Government Dissapointed at Conspiracy Efforts

by Acedtect

Secret World Government(REYKJAVIK) The secret rulers of the world discussed their disappointment at several long-range plans during a regular meeting in Iceland this afternoon.

A spokesperson for the government said many secret leaders are losing patience with plans that once promised to better control society.

“We’ve been flouridating the water for decades now with very little effect. This was supposed to pacify the populous and open them for suggestion. Watch the guests on Fox News for two minutes and you’ll see it’s clearly not working.”

Other plans also were criticized for not producing intended results. The use of mandatory vaccines to make people sick and depopulate the Earth, has had the opposite effect.

“We put out a cover story that small amounts of disease would actually help protect you. We weren’t sure anyone would believe it, but people bought it. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. So we’ve actually hindered disease, and our pharmaceutical members are outraged.”

However the meeting was not all bad news. Some members glowingly reported their continued success at thwarting the development of a clean-burning car that runs on water. The proudest members were the committee for the prevention of the cure for the common cold.

“We look to them as a model of what other teams should be doing. The valuation of that project is almost incalculable.”

A lifetime achievement award was presented in absentia to Senator Dianne Feinstein, for her work in preventing medicines like Sudafed from being sold off store shelves.

“Let’s just say that Ms. Feinstein is not a member of the secret government, but thankfully she has the instinct to act in our best interests. We could never have gotten one of the most effective cold medicines removed from shelves and monitored the way she did. The replacement industry of ineffective cold remedies is booming now because of her. The folks behind Airborne are thrilled. Just thrilled.”

Also honored was Ron Whitson, a special effects pioneer who helped stage much of the moon landing and parts of World War II.

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February 27, 2007

Group demands discrimination against February end

by Acedtect

(Washington, DC) – A group of protesters clashed with police on the US Capitol Mall over equal rights for months.February 2007

Local riot troops sprayed tear gas and used noise cannons to control the crowd that chanted slogans like “28 ain’t so great” and  “Whatd do we want? 30 Days When do want ’em?  In February!”

A group called the United Coalition for Equal Treatment of Months organised the protests. Speakers earlier in the day made a case for a longer February.

“February sits as the coldest of months, not because of the weather but because it is surrounded on all sides by artificially inflated bullies known as January and March,” said Dr. Evan Montelbaign from the main stage early in the day. “They say it’s because of leap year. They say it’s tradition.  Some even want to blame the moon. I say the time for excuses is over.  Give February equal treatment now!”

The crowd was raucous from the beginning but turned ugly in the afternoon when supporters of a return to the Julian calendar showed up and began a counter-demonstration. Police estimate 28 or 29 were injured in the ensuing riot.

Despite the unfortunate turn of events, the coalition still hopes to force congress to pass a resolution taking a day each form January and March and adding it to February by the end of the month.

“If all months were treated equally, we’d have two extra days to fight for this,” said Montelbaign. “Of course, then we wouldn’t need to fight I guess.”

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