February 12, 2006
New Yorker discovers America
(OUTSIDE NEW YORK) – 
Vinnie Columbino accidentally boarded the wrong transit vehicle Friday night and ended up outside of New York City, discovering a whole new world.
“I was so worried at first, but after I realised what I’d found, I couldn’t wait to get back to tell my brother Eddie,” said an ecstatic Columbino. “I was so dang dru..tired, that I got on a frickin’ Greyhound bus. I know! Only losers ride the bus, but there I was.”
As soon as Columbino realised what was happening, he tried to get the bus to turn around.
“I kinda woke up and looked out the window and realised I wasn’t in Queens. I didn’t know where the hell I was. All I saw were parks everywhere. At least I think they were parks. I’ve never seen such big parks. I mean these things never ended. They were at least 30 times the size of Central Park, with these big monster trucks parked in them every so often.”
Columbino got off the bus at the next stop in the city of Bedford.
“I mean you could hardly call it a city. It looked like somebody took a slice of Brooklyn and plopped it down int he middle of nowhere.”
Columbino calls the area ‘America,’ and reports that the people there live much like we do, driving cars, watching television, and eating in restaurants.
“But it’s so much less crowded there. The natives speak a different language though. I tried communicating but they couldn’t understand freakin’ English, man. I had to use sign language to figure out how to get back to the city. It’s like they couldn’t understand a thing I said.”
Columbino plans to make preparations for a second voyage to ‘America’. He also hopes to develop trade relations and try to introduce some culture.
“They have no idea what a Canolli is. Or a Reuben. I feel a responsibility to civilise them. Who knows how many more of them there are outside the known world.”
Columbino’s brother will accompany him, hoping to prove his theory that some places seen on TV shows may in fact be based on secret knowledge places in ‘America.’
February 5, 2006
God says Mohammed cartoon ‘just not funny’
(Heaven) 
– In his first press conference in months, God spoke out on the recent controversy over a Danish editorial cartoon.
“Far from being offensive, I just don’t think it’s funny,” said the supreme being. “Mohammed’s not oversensitive and he’s not offended. But he’s a quiet guy, so I felt I should try to speak out on this on his behalf. The only reason to protest this cartoon is for lack of creativity. It’s a blasphemy against humour, not against me or my prophet.”
The cartoon depicted Mohammed with a bomb for a turban.
“I mean what’s that?” said God. “Oh I’m so funny. I put a bomb in Mohammed’s turban. Get it? He’s a terrorist? Get it? Yeah, real original. Something’s rotten in Denmark, for sure.”
God did not take questions but appealed for a modicum of rationality in response to the cartoon.
“If it makes you feel better to go burn a flag, whatever, but don’t let it get out of hand. I mean we don’t see people dying in response to Carrot Top, and he’s not funny either, in my opinion. But do I strike him down with my wrath? No. Come on people. Have some sense of perspective.”
God concluded the conference by announcing he would count the editorial as a sin for cartoonist Kurt Westergaard. “It’s not like it’s mortal or anything but man, bad taste is a sin. Don’t you agree?”
God declined to conduct the normal question and answer session, and reporters resisted leaving until they got more responses. Press spokesperson Michael stepped in and cleared the room by offering to play some tunes on his trumpet.
February 3, 2006
Pentagon asks for increase in offense budget
(ARLINGTON, VA) – 
Pentagon spokespersons unveiled the latest budget request for US military expenditures, including the largest ever increase in the offense budget.
“Defense spending has been the topic of much discussion for some time,” said a Pentagon spokesperson. “But with the increasing amounts of non-linear strategic entanglements we are forced to engage in, we need to look at our offense budget as well.”
According to military historians, the offense budget was severely slashed along with the renaming of the department of war to the department of defense. The budget has never recovered.
“For years the US pursued a policy of only fighting to defend it’s interests. But with the increase in preemptive actions like Iraq, we can’t continue to borrow from the defense budget for offensive measures,” continued the spokesperson.
Increased offense spending has been criticised roundly by critics who say the best offense is a good defense. But the Pentagon feels that isn’t always true.
“Those critics are paid to criticise things. And while sometimes the best offense is a good defense, you have to remember that good pitching also beats good hitting, sometimes the big bats can prevail. So you wouldn’t not sign any scorers for your hockey team if you want to beat the Lakers now would you?” asked the Pentagon.
Critics said they weren’t sure where to begin and the pentagon responded quickly with, “No more questions.”
February 1, 2006
Tim Kaine puts nation at risk, to sleep
The 
newly elected governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, Timothy Kaine, put the nation in grave danger Tuesday night during his response to the President’s state of the union address.
While hardened analysts were able to discuss the points of Kaine’s speech, most of the nation including police and security forces were put to sleep by the absolue lack of charisma delivered by the Governor.
“The Governor created a rare rehtorical field known as a NeCA or Negative Charismatic Area,” said SuBBrilliant University scientists. “It began by creating a thin linear distribution of reasonable but uncontroversial objections, and then expanded into an event horizon of sleep-inducing lethargy by subtracting charismatic ions from the area surrounding the camera. Oddly televisions amplified the effect. Radio listeners were only put in a slight fugue state, while TV watchers generally nodded off soundly.”
Democrats hoped the southern governor in a Republican state would add emphasis to their parties official retort. Instead most of the country was unaware the Democrats had even spoken.
Republicans roundly criticised the Governor’s speech for putting the country in danger of attack while everyone slumbered.
“I find it not only irresponsible, but suspicious that the Democrats would put such a man in front of national television,” said Republican spokesperson Bill Smith.
January 28, 2006
President just trying to be a ‘good listener’
(WASHINGTON) 
The President of the United States just wants to make sure he’s “hearing what everyone’s saying,” said a press spokesperson answering questions about the US warrantless phone-tapping issue.
“First and foremost the President doesn’t need a warrant to spy on anyone, as long as we’re in a state of war. And a state of war does not need either a declaration of war, or a well-defined enemy,” said the spokesperson.
“Second I think the President is tired, I think we’re all tired, and the American people certainly are tired, of hearing the media focus on the negatives of warrantless spying. A lot of positives go entirely uncovered by the major media.
“The President knows that in the course of spying on very specific dangerous terrorist targets, we may hear some things not related to terrorism. And that’s good! The President values his connection with the American people. How can knowing a little bit more about what they’re thinking, what their daily lives are like, how can that be bad?
“The President just wants to be a good listener. I think that’s patriotic,” the spokesperson summed up.
The Bush administration does not believe all Americans would mind being spied on with or without a court order.
“We have the feeling, that most freedom-loving Americans would feel more secure knowing the President, and the brave fighting men and women, were out there listening and caring,” responded the spokesperson. “Far from fearing an erosion of civil liberties, we think that most people feel comforted by this.”