January 24, 2006
MPAA sues man for having friends over
(HOLLYWOOD)
– The MPAA brought a case against Ronald Smith of Buena Vista, California, alleging gross violations of intellectual property rights and video piracy.
The MPAA alleges Smith willfully invited friends over to his house to watch a TiVo recording of the movie ‘War of the Worlds’ without first seeking permission and paying a license.
“Essentially Mr. Smith was stealing from Tom Cruise here,” said MPAA’s spokesperson. “Instead of being able to make a living off the purchases of movie tickets or DVDs by Mr. Smith’s friends, Tom Cruise, and the producers of the War of the Worlds movie, one who I have come to understand has a very sick and small and cute child, are left out in the cold. Literally. Did Mr. Smith consider he was taking food from a cold sick child’s mouth when he so cavalierly invited loads of people to steal this movie?”
Smith said he only invited two buddies over and that they’d watched movies at his and others’ houses quite often.
The MPAA asserets that watching a videotape is a different matter than watching digital videos.
“The high-definition and digital nature of the copy Mr. Smith displayed is entirely different than watching an old videotape. We have no problem with the way things were done in the past, but this is new technology. Videotapes left people feeling like they wanted more. A digital recording, like the one Mr. Smith stole, does not. And people should be forced to pay,” said the MPAA spokesperson.
The MPAA has asked congress to require future video-playing devices to be equipped with technology that would scan the room for a headcount and automatically debit the credit cards of anyone watching the movie.
January 19, 2006
Suicide bombers tired of amateurs
(Amman) –
A group of anonymous terrorists announced a professional society to help reduce the number of amateurs engaging in suicide bombing.
“With all the media coverage, kids these days think anyone can just waltz in and blow themselves up in Baghdad,” said anonymous terrorist one. “They don’t understand it’s an art. You have to learn it. If you do it right, you’ll only get once chance at it. It’s not something you want to just wing it, you know?.”
The International Brotherhood of Self-sacrifical Explosionaries (IBSE) will consist of a board of directors oversseing a school and certification program. Members will be solicited consistently.
“This is obviously a high-turnover occupation,” said anonymous terrorist one. “We’ll always be recruiting. And it’s a tough job. Kids look at me and say ‘you’ve never done it. why should I listen to you?’ but as they say, if you can’t do, teach. We need these kids to know they can safely and securely self-destruct and not leave themselves permanently damaged. But if they don’t have proper instruction, they’re risking their lives. Well, you know what I mean. Not properly risking their lives.”
The IBSE says they aim to reduce the total number of bombings, while increasing their quality. They also will issue confirmations of whether any given bombing is IBSE approved or not.
“We won’t be claiming or assigning credit of course. We must protect the confidentiality of our clients. But we can issue blanket assurances of quality. Most of the major organizations are on board. We’ve heard Osama loves it. So we don’t expect the certification or not to be too telling.”
January 1, 2006
New WordPress Interface Rocks
We usually don’t deal with the internal workings of Subbrilliant News, but we’re very excited about the new interface of WordPress, which we use to publish. Hence we’ve decided to post a picture of a pet to show just how reverted to Web 1.0 we’ve become with all the excitement. Hopefully this new interface will lead to more stories this year.
Happy new year from SuBBrilliant News.
November 18, 2005
Woman gets younger to win argument
(SORENTO, IL) – 45 year-old Dana Mueller used to be 47. Doctors at Greenville Regional Hospital confirmed that Mrs. Mueller is in fact getting younger.
“It’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen in my 53 years of treating scrapes, sprains, and sore throats,” said General Practicioner Dr. Gerald Daisy. “But there’s no doubt about the results. Mrs. Mueller is younger than the last time I examined her.”
Mueller refused to give interviews but reports indicate she began getting younger out of spite.
“We had an argument. I don’t remember what about,” said her husand, Jack Mueller. “You know how these things go. I told her she wasn’t getting any younger and she said, Oh yeah!”
A week after the argument Mrs. Mueller, still steamed, stormed off to the hospital shouting “I’m going to prove you wrong… again.. Jack!”
It took two days for test results to be confirmed. Doctors from Washington University in St. Louis have requested the test results for review.
“If we can figure out how to replicate this, we may be prescribing spite and bitter acrimony to older people as a curative,” said Dean of Medicine at Washington University Charlie Spoetzel.
November 8, 2005
Kansas restricts teaching of gravity
(TOPEKA, Kansas) – The state of Kansas has approved new science standards for schools that cast doubt on gravity.
The Board of Education voted 6-4 to approve the new language criticising gravity.
Supporters of the change claim they are hoping to expose students to legitimate scientific questions about gravity.
The decision is part of a wide-ranging national debate over the teaching of gravity and intelligent design.
The theory of intelligent design contends that the universe is too complex to be explained by science and must have been created by a higher power.
Current Kansas state standards treat gravity as well-established, a view held by national science groups.
The new standards include several specific challenges, including statements that there is a lack of evidence or natural explanation for gravitons, and charges that quantum theories are inconsistent with the theory of gravity.
It also states that says certain gravitational explanations “are not based on direct observations… and often reflect… inferences from indirect or circumstantial evidence”.
“This is a great day for education,” board chairman Steve Abrams told SuBBrilliant News.
Individual local Kansas community school boards will retain controlover how gravity is taught, but student tests will use the new standards to measure how well schools teach science.
Educators fear pressure will increase in some communities to teach less about gravity or more about intelligent design.