November 1, 2005
Woman arrested for whistling
(ATLANTA) A woman on a commuter train was arrested today for failing to get authorization to perform a musical composition.
Ms. Nelda Wilder of East Point was whistling a popular tune when recording industry professionals presented her with a bill. When Ms. Wilder stated she could not pay the bill she was taken under arrest.
“Ms. Wilder has wilfully performed this composition often without even trying to seek any permission or authorization,” claimed a representative of the recording industry. “The tune is quite catchy and lodges in the brains of anyone in listening distance. This kind of unauthorized performance and distribution takes food off the tables of some of America’s greatest artists. We need to educate the public. Whistling is theft.”
Ms. Wilder was released on bond but will face both civil and criminal charges.
The recording industry does not feel they are being overzealous.
“Ms. Wilder represents the worst kind of offender, a seemingly innocent one. It is this kind of abuse that is the most insidious and must be stamped out wherever it occurs. If people want to whistle their own compositions in public that’s their look out. We’re not trying to eliminate tuneless whistling, just any combination of notes that can generate a revenue stream.”
October 29, 2005
God Suing Christians
(HEAVEN) – Lawyers for God have announced they plan a lawsuit against several Christian groups over copyright violation.
Under current copyright law, the unauthorized use of divine inspiration is a violation of the law. The lawyers say they are gathering evidence from several church sermons and will bring a suit once proper jursdiction is determined.
“We could use the judgement of heaven,” said one lawyer, “but aside form the apparent conflict of interest, transporting witnesses is sort of a one-way trip.”
God did not appear at the announcement but his representative, Archangel Michael, read from a prepared statement.
“All this rubbish about what I created and when and what my will is, has gotten far out of hand. I’ve already brought one suit for defamation but the punishment for that is pretty weak. Thankfully copyright law violation brings punishment worse than murder.”
Defendants have not been named but several church leaders have claimed they will not be targeted.
“Whatever helps them sleep at night,” said one lawyer.
October 9, 2005
Good Old Days Found to Be Average
(WASHINGTON, DC) – A group of time travellers using a secret government-developed time machine have confirmed that the ‘good old days’ oft longed for were only average.
“We took several measurements from several different perspectives and have taken care to insure the data was not biased,” said team leader Patrick Rose. “That’s just fancy scientist talk for ‘we we’re damned certain about this.”
The team’s original mission was to travel back in time to discover what was so good about the good old days and make recommendations for making these days just as good.
Instead of fulfilling their mission, the team found out that the good old days were not so different from these days and were in fact only average.
“The only hopeful discovery of our research is that people in the good old days longed for a different good old days. We’re preparing now to visit those good old days and see what we can learn from that time period.”
Meanwhile scientists across the country decried the work as frivilous and unsubstantiated.
“There is no such thing as a time machine,” said Professor Larry Pitts. “Back in the good old days people didn’t allow these kinds of stories to get out of hand.”
September 15, 2005
President Discovered to Have Bladder
(NEW YORK) – Another shocking revelation rocked the White House yesterday as a Reuters photo taken at the United Nations showed President Bush clearly and undeniably requesting a bathroom break.
“Once again the Bush Administration is caught with their pants down,” said Green Party Activist Trey Reynolds. “Or at least requesting that they would like to go into a private room and take their pants down. You can quibble about this but the real question remains why the administration has not come forward with this information about the President before now? Why hide it in surreptitious notes?”
Analysts pointed to the revelation as another blow to the President’s credibility and wondered whether the administration could survive.
“How much more can they take?” said political commentator Al Franklin. “How foolish do they think the American people are?”
White House officials spoke off the record to tell reporters the note was being misinterpreted.
“A ‘bathroom break’ is code for the President getting up and pissing all over the arguments being made,” said an anonymous source. “It’s just the Presidents colorful way of talking. Like when Frank Sinatra used to say it ‘looked like rain’ when he was about to leave a party. Bush is cool like Sinatra.”
Congressional Democrats are calling for an investigation into the note and the reasons the President’s eliminatory situation has not been acknowledged publicly.
“We need to know what happened, when, and how it came out,” said Minority leader Nancy Pelosi.
September 5, 2005
Bush Declares ‘War on Hurricanes’
(NEW ORLEANS) – After touring the flooded city of New Orleans today, President Bush spoke to reporters and declared the United States would wage a “war on hurricanes.”
“When the coast of your country is attacked and threatens your people, you can’t excuse it for being a weather system.
“Wherever they hide, wherever they develop, wherever there;s a hint of a tropical depression, we’re gonna smoke ’em out. We will not rest until we’ve hunted down and destroyed every last hurricane on Earth.
“And let me make this clear to the nations of the world. If you harbor a hurricane, then you are a hurricane and we will treat you as such.”
Reporters asked several times how the administration planned to carry out the war on hurricanes.
“We have the finest meteorological fighting force in this country. We will use our satellites, and our radar, and our weather balloons. The hurricanes don’t have a chance,” the President said pointing violently.
President Bush also made clear that this war on hurricanes would not change the nation’s stance on environmental issues.
“I don’t think finger-pointing and pushing the blame off on climate and geography serves any purpose. We need to keep a clear focus on the real perpetrators here. Hurricanes.”
Some wondered why hurricanes were the target of the war rather than the preparations of various governments and agencies.
“Hurricanes are jealous of our freedom,” he responded.
The President also plans to ask Congress for a special budget to fund a department of metorological security.