October 7, 2008
Presidential Candidate linked to radical ties
(WASHINGTON) – Accusations flew fast and furious today over accusations that a leading presidential candidate had radical ties.
“These pictures are solid proof that this man is not ready to lead this country. The evidence is before your eyes,” said a senior campaign spokesperson.
On display at the press conference were graphic photos of polka dot ties, light-up ties, a piano tie, and even a tie with a three-dimensional realistic hamburger protruding from it.
“In an era of crisis,” stated the spokesperson, “we cannot afford to allow our country to be distracted by novelty items such as these.”
An immediate rebuttal was issued claiming the ties in question were only given to the candidate as gifts and were never worn.
“Rather than rudely return the items, or worse, re-gift them, these ties were respectfully stored at the bottom of a closet where they belong. We see no impropriety here and disclosed these ties at the beginning of our campaign,” read the statement. “We call on our opponent to fully disclose all his ties, and let the American people judge.”
Most voters say they don’t care about what ties candidates may have had in the past, but rather whether their current appearance is genuine.
July 17, 2008
Fan demands popular show stop talking about popular things
LOS ANGELES – Alex Smith of West Covina loves his favorite news talk show, except when they talk about news.
“First it was the primary election. They just wouldn’t shut up about it. Then the housing market. Now they’re back on the election again. And they never let go of the economy.”
Alex has started a protest group to stop the show from conitnuing to talk about the most popular topics of the day.
“There’s more going on out there than just elections and economy. Why not talk about bond issues? Or what about traffic problems?”
some analysts point out that the topics Alex proposes may be considered boring by the show’s other listeners, but that hasn’t deterred the protest from going forward.
“I’ sick of hearing about gas prices. If they talk about gas prices one more time, I’m going to drop them for good. And I’ll keep checking to make sure they haven’t stopped!”
Meanwhile the show’s hosts say they can’t talk about things that aren’t news, and won’t talk about things the majority fo the audience isn’t interested in.
June 11, 2008
Vaudeville hit hard by tomato salmonella scare
POUGHKEEPSIE – The tomato salmonella scare has left local playhouses nearly empty. Performers refuse to go on stage with their comic shenanigans and mummery for fear of contracting a deadly disease.
“First there was talkies, then radio, then television and the Internet. Now this? Forget about it!” said Willie Shorbenstein, the Silly Sword Swallower. “It ain’t worth it. I’m not taking that stage! Not at the cost of my life, I’m not!”
The fear preventing these otherwise intrepid performers from braving the lights and greasepaint is the same fear haunting shoppers at produce markets nationwide.
“Even the best performer has an off night sometimes,” explained Orpheum Manager Sheck Gordon. “One tomato thrown in the mouth and boom! You’ve got the Salmon sickness. Er, whatever they call it.”
Some playhouse entrepreneurs are not so forgiving. Dally Maldonado runs “The Opera” and has said he’ll blackball any performer who refuses to take the stage this weekend.
“So what? I’m supposed to believe that the audience is gonna buy a bunch of tainted tomatoes!? These peoples are not so much with the brains around here, maybe, but they ain’t stupid neither. Those tomatoes can kill anyone, audiences and bearded balladeers alike. There ain’t nuttin’ to be afraid of but Bein’ knocked in the noggin by a fresh healthy zuchinni maybe. And if you get that, you deserve it!” he shouted.
Still, only the bravest performers will be risking the onsluaght. Joey “bam-bam” Bambaum is one of them.
“I get slugged in the head with a baseball bat 20 times a night during our sketch,” said Bambaum. “I don’t think a tomato is what’s likely to kill the likes of Joey “bam-bam” Bambaum. You spell bam-bam without capitals. ”
Until tomatoes are cleared of any kind of taint, expect vaudeville to continue to suffer.
December 31, 2007
Outside gets a big boost from writer’s strike
(Hollywood) As the Writer’s Guild Association strike wears on, more than just reality shows are reaping the benefits.
Outside has told reporters that it’s seen a huge boost in interest and expects it to become even greater in the new year.
A spokesperson for outside noted that their 60-year slide in usage may finally turning around.
“Ever since television, and especially color television, we’ve seen steep drops in interest each year,” said the spokesperson. Our partnership with the publishing industry to ‘go outside and read a book’ has largely proved ineffective. This strike is the best news for us since Jack Paar got kicked off the Tonight Show.”
Across the board increases in such categories as “taking a walk”, “leaving the house” and even “sitting on the stoop” have encouraged officials of outside.
But critics say the gains may be short-lived.
Don Rovdak of the American Institute of Scientific Studies believes the benefits may be temporary.
“Not only will the strike not last forever,” said Rovdak, “But things like video games and the World Wide Web aren’t going on strike. These are more likely alternatives for people than Outside.”
Previously top outside officials pinned their hopes on global warming to make going outside more attractive.
September 25, 2007
Secret Government Dissapointed at Conspiracy Efforts
(REYKJAVIK) The secret rulers of the world discussed their disappointment at several long-range plans during a regular meeting in Iceland this afternoon.
A spokesperson for the government said many secret leaders are losing patience with plans that once promised to better control society.
“We’ve been flouridating the water for decades now with very little effect. This was supposed to pacify the populous and open them for suggestion. Watch the guests on Fox News for two minutes and you’ll see it’s clearly not working.”
Other plans also were criticized for not producing intended results. The use of mandatory vaccines to make people sick and depopulate the Earth, has had the opposite effect.
“We put out a cover story that small amounts of disease would actually help protect you. We weren’t sure anyone would believe it, but people bought it. Unfortunately it turned out to be true. So we’ve actually hindered disease, and our pharmaceutical members are outraged.”
However the meeting was not all bad news. Some members glowingly reported their continued success at thwarting the development of a clean-burning car that runs on water. The proudest members were the committee for the prevention of the cure for the common cold.
“We look to them as a model of what other teams should be doing. The valuation of that project is almost incalculable.”
A lifetime achievement award was presented in absentia to Senator Dianne Feinstein, for her work in preventing medicines like Sudafed from being sold off store shelves.
“Let’s just say that Ms. Feinstein is not a member of the secret government, but thankfully she has the instinct to act in our best interests. We could never have gotten one of the most effective cold medicines removed from shelves and monitored the way she did. The replacement industry of ineffective cold remedies is booming now because of her. The folks behind Airborne are thrilled. Just thrilled.”
Also honored was Ron Whitson, a special effects pioneer who helped stage much of the moon landing and parts of World War II.